Friday, December 30, 2005


Happy Birthday to Princess Gwen!

On this day 8 years ago the Princess was born.
Hail to the Queen!
Hail to the King!
Hail to Princess Gwen!

Thursday, December 29, 2005


Please Lucas, Don't Sue Us


Reason #1 to Rent

When you rent the landlord is reponsible for fixing things that go wrong. What could go wrong? When you living with Captain Hysteria, everything goes wrong! However, the worse thing that can go wrong is the toilet.

Last night the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. spent several hours attempting to unclog the clog in the toilet. First with the plunger. That didn't work. So next the agent took a trip to the Wonderful World of Wally. At the WWW, he looked for a toilet auger (aka a toilet snake). There was no such beast to be found and thus the agent thought to make a trip to the Depot of Home. Unfortunately, the Depot of Home was closed as it was past 10 PM.

After another hour of the original agent wrangling with the Toilet of Terror, the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. called the OTHER Wonderful World of Wally (as there are 2). They had the beast and thus the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. was off to the OWWW where he purchased said 3 ft beast for $6.

Another 2 hours later, there was progress. The ToT was now draining, every so slowly. With much frustration, the agent resigned himself to bed. It was 1:35AM.

Now we come to this morning where the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. called upon the LandLord.

Quick as a flash (20 minutes), the LL have the Landloard Handy Man (LHM) over. LHM pulled out the big gun (a 6 ft beast) and the even bigger gun (a 9 ft beast). Alas, the big guns failed. Unpeturbed, LHM began to remove ToT from the floor. 30 minutes later, the culprit was found.

Please keep the culprit a Secret.

It took another 30 minutes to crush the culprit into submission and extract it from its new home. As of 10:45 AM, the ToT has been conquered and clean-up has begun.

The agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. hope that you had a good morning and that you remember this as REASON #1 to RENT.

FYI : If our little Secret had not been crushed and removed. The cost of the replacement toilet bowl is $150.

PS : Although this is the first time the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. have been confronted with our little Secret, LHM has faced off with him on many occassions.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


Window Shopping

Captain Hysteria had just finished his bath and was sitting in the chair drying off and using the towel to do his best Darth Hysteria impression. When the agent D.I.A.P.E.R. came calling, CH was nowhere to be found.

After a careful search of the facility, all that was found was CH's towel. After another search CH was found chuckling in the window spreadeagle in his birthday suit for the entire world to see. He giggled and held onto the window frame while the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. removed him from the window.

30 mintues later, CH is once again dressed and is now in Hysteria hibernation.


Word of the Day : BEAUBUTTON

from KenzieSpeak
beaubutton (bo' but en) noun
used in a sentence "I can see the beaubutton on your tummy."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Man Tel

There are 4 different language in the land. There is English which is spoken by the agents of M.O.M.M.Y and D.A.D.D.Y. There is BizarroSpeak spoken by the land of Dolynn. There is KenzieSpeak spoken only in the land of Kenzie and Hysteria spoken only by Captain Hysteria. All languages are a variant of English (or at least we think they are) and PG, CH, and QK all understand English (or at least we think they do).

As far as we can decipher, Hysteria is this sing song language where almost everything has a songlike quality. There is Daaaa-Deeee Daaaa-Deeeeee which is used to summon the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. The is Noooo-Ohh-Ohhh which equates to NO in English.

If you are familiar with Superman, then you might be familiar with BizarroSpeak. With BizarroSpeak what you think you are saying in English is the exact opposite. So if you say, "Don't close the door," what you will get is Princess Gwen slamming and locking the door. If you say, "Don't ask me again," then PG will ask you at least 3 more times.

Now KenzieSpeak is the most bizarre of all the languages because it vaguely resembles English however you just don't understand stand it. An example would be: "I don't want to watch Poppins more. I want to watch Man Tel." This clearly means is "I don't want to watch Mary Poppins any more. I want to watch Man Tel."

WHAT IS MAN TEL? I don't know, so let's ask.

YHR: You mean Montel? (Maybe the Montel Williams Show)
QM: No, Man Tel. The movie ... the moss who trying to find his famlee.
YHR: Moss?
QM: Yes, Man Tel : The movie with the moss.
YHR: Moss? What's a moss?
QM: Moss? It has a tel?
YHR: Tel? Oh.. A tail! Man Tail?
QM: Yes, A Man Tail!
YHR: A Man Tail? Not Man Tel ....
YHR: OH!!! American Tail with Fivel, the mouse who is trying to find his family.

Saturday, December 24, 2005


Happy Holidays!

Queen McKenzie, Princess Gwen, and Captain Hysteria would like to wish every HAPPY HOLIDAYS. Be safe and we'll be back with more adventures of CH and the lovely ladies on Monday, 27 Dec 2005.

Friday, December 23, 2005


Where's the Brain?

Your Humble Reporter : Queen McKenzie, your head is big. It's almost twice as big as mine. What's in there?

Queen McKenzie : I have bones in the there.

YHR : And where is your brain?

QM: (point at her privates) Down here.


22 Dec 2005

You may have noticed that there is no posting here yesterday. Why, you ask yourself? Mainly because there is nothing of note to report. Without Captain Hysteria rearing his head, there is just nothing going on.

So all in well in the land ... for now.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


"I Have the Power!"

For those that are unaware He-Man and the Masters of the Universe is being released on DVD. They are releasing all 130+ cartoons in sets of 33. The first DVD release was a best of Season 1 and Season 2 (there are only 2 seasons). That contained 10 cartoons. The next release was the first 33 carttons on 6 DVDs.

Queen Kenzie and Captain Hysteria (as well as Princess Gwen) were introduced to the world of Eternia with the Best of DVD. They have now moved on to the first 33 episodes.

If you are familiar with the opening of the Masters of Universe, then you know that right before the show Skeletor, Adam transforms to He-Man and then after transforming Cringer into Battle Cat, punches at the screen. This has apparently been burned into the minds of CH and QK as they are now performing this every 22 minutes (when the next episodes starts). They punch the screen and fall over laughing every 22 minutes before being mesmerized by He-Man once again.

He-Man is magic and now "I Have the Power!" to keep CH at bay.
He-Man is CH's kryptonite.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


The Princess of Dolynn Comes Crashing Down

The Land of Dolynn ruled by Princess Gwen is a land above the Land of Kenzie. The Princess of Dolynn is having a rough week and having such has been confined within the Land of Dolynn many times. As land of Dolynn is adjacent to the realm of Dresser, the princess can step into the realm of Dresser from the Land of Dolynn.

Having violated the law of the Land of House by willfully bouncing on Car in the Land of Kidroom, the Princess was once again placed on house arrest in the Land of Dolynn. Not following the rules of the house arrest, PG decides to visit the realm of Dresser to access the books within.
PG crashed to ground with Drawer from the realm of Dresser. Drawer and Dresser are supposed to joined and in so crashing with Dresser, PG rips the connection between Drawer and Dresser thereby causing the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. to spend an hour straightening out runner with a hammer so that the Dresser and Drawer could be re-attached.

There is no peace in the land today ...


Got Milk?

Captain Hysteria has been silently plotting new adventures just waiting for just the right opportunity. Usually, CH is so brazen that he'll look you in the face and smile while carrying out his devilish plots...not his time.

The agent of D.A.D.D.Y. was visiting the land of Bath while CH, Queen McKenzie, and Princess Gwen of Dolynn were playing in Kidroom. The agent heard a thump followed by a chuckle and when the agent looked up he saw a pool of white liquid emerging under the door. As quick as possible the agent rushed to door to find CH smiling and pouring the agent a nice tall cup of milk. The cup poured was so tall that it flowed over the physical cup unto the carpet and under the door into the land of Bath.

With a smile CH looks up. With the clearest of sing-song voices, he sings "Clean up, clean up, everybody clean up," and dashes to grab a paper towel.

Monday, December 19, 2005


The Adventures Continue

Okay, well maybe not ...
Captain Hysteria hasn't been very hysterical today. CH has been rather subdued. The most action going on today is CH closing himself into Kidroom and needing assistance to free himself fromt he land of Kidroom. He is currently being mesmerized (once again) by the antics of Rick Moranis in the movie "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."

It is my humble opinion that CH and Queen McKenzie are saving themselves for a huge adventure later with Princess Gwen. So if you see a mushroom cloud in the sky, rest assured that CH, QM and PG are the cause.

Sunday, December 18, 2005


Nuking the Bear of Care

From henceforth we shall reserve the weekends for past tales of Captain Hysteria. We begin this week with ...

Nuking the Bear of Care

In the land of Kenzie, the queen has taking a special liking to the Bears of Care. These special animals spend there time spreading love and friendship by staring the world via their little tummies. The Queen of Kenzie is so taken by these creatures that she has been known to roam about and occasionally sticking out her tummy to stare an occassional grumpy gus.

Queen Kenzie love of the BoC is aided and abetted by Nona. Nona is a veteran agent of M.O.M.M.Y. who made it her goal to share the BoC with Queen Kenzie, Princess Gwen of Dolynn, and our beloved Captain Hysteria. Last year (or maybe the year before) right about this time, Nona delivered to Queen Kenzie the BoC of Song. BoCoS filled the land with such tunes as "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and "The Wheels on the Bus." BoCoS had always sang on cue (as it was supposed to), however over the last few months, BoCoS had become possessed and sang whenever it desired.

After rediscovering the possessed BoCoS, Captain Hysteria developed a kinship with this particular BoC. It causd CH much distress that BoCoS would not perform on cue. Realizing that throwing BoCoS across the room was not fixing said malady, CH decided to take a more high tech approach.

CH slipped past the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. and into the room of Kitch. The room of Kitch, he grabbed the chair and popped in front of Mike Wave and in went CoBoS.
and Mike Wave began to hum into life.
went BoCoS. Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y sprang into action mere second after the BEEP! BEEP! saving BoCoS from the most horrible that one minute with Mike Wave could bring. Seeing the agents in action, CH hopped off the chair and dash into Kidroom as the agents pulled the smoking (but still living) BoCoS out of Mike Wave.
Although, his method was extreme, CH has cured BoCoS of the possession. The side effect of the treatment robbed BoCoS of its voice and now it sits silent and unpossessed.

Friday, December 16, 2005


Agents of W.I.P.E. and D.I.A.P.E.R.S : Do Not Apply

While awaiting the arrival of the agent of M.O.M.M.Y and Princess Gwen, the Queen and CH grew restless, so out runs the Queen and CH into chanting "Go Potty", "Go Potty!" and into the land Bath, home of the Potty they run.

You see, D.A.D.D.Y. is made up of a group of eternal optimists. By default they give everyone the benefit of the doubt. This is their tragic flaw.

In the land of Bath, home of Potty, CH hops onto PottyLid and peers into the depths of PottyLake. He peers further and futher and further until ....
In swing the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. saving CH from dunking his head into PottyLake. Tragedy averted CH is introduced to PottyJr.

CH realizes that PottyJr is a close cousing to the Lesser Chair and thus begins to haul PottyJr into Kidroom. The devilish plot is once again foiled by D.A.D.D.Y. and PottyJr was returned to the Land of Bath.


I Spin It for You

The Queen of Kenzie submits a report to the agent of D.A.D.D.Y.
Confused an agent is sent to investigate and discover that FitS is now been switched on and has begun its circular movement.
In come CH with Monkey in tow. They mount the CB and Monkey is moments away from sure decapitation when ...
CH hits the clothes on the floor again and dashes into Kidroom.
Nothing more to report now as the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. is replacing the clothes in CB and CH and the Queen of Kenzie are off silently awaiting the arrival of the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. and Princess Gwen of the Land of Dolynn who is currently visiting the realm of School.


"Help! Help!" Cried the Ceiling Fan

There was peace across the land all through the morning as Captain Hysteria patrolled looking for a source of mischief. Alas ... there nothing to be found as the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. was every where.

Lulled into a false sense of security, the agent dropped his guard and out came Monkey. You see, monkey is a denizen of Kidroom which causes all sorts of terror. His mere presence causes fights and screaming. Today, however, Monkey is working in tandom with CH and the Queen of Kenzie. It seems that Monkey and CH and the Queen have found their way in the headquarters of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. because HQ is the home of the Fan in the Sky.

Monkey and CH are determined to reach FitS with the help of Bed and Clothes Basket while Queen McKenzie cheers. CH stood atop CB which is poised on top of bed with Monkey in hand and SWOOSH! BANG! PLOP! Monkey flew through the air, hit FitS and dropped to the floor.

Over and over Monkey fails to mount FitS. Unfazed, CH continues to assist Monkey reach his goal until ...
Plop? Yep. Plop went CH as he tumbled from CB and unto the clothes he removed from CB. Realizing that the PLOP! would bring the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. CH flees with Monkey into the land of Kidroom and all is quiet in the land once again.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


Chocolate Success

The agents of W.I.P.E.S. and D.I.A.P.E.R succeeded in subduing our hero and removing the toxic waste. During such time the Queen of Kenzie decided she was in need of CHOCOLATE MILK. The Queen having very little patience grabbed Milk and Chocolate Syrup from the Land of Fridge. Having only reigned for about 4 years, the Queen does not keep track of her resources very well, so she was forced to search for a cup in which to receive the chocolatety goodness she planned to concoct and in swooped CH.

CH returned Milk to the land of Fridge and picked to Chocolate Syrup to return him as well ... however, at that time his brilliant plan from before struck him again ... but this time on a largwer scale. Grabbing bowl, CH liberates the chocolate ooze from it's containment unit and into the bowl. In swoops the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. (who had been momentarily distracted and [foolishly]trusted CH to fulfil his mission) saving the snazzy SUPERSUIT from being smeared in chocolate ooze.

Later ...
Queen McKenzie has now found her and and washed it clean in the bathroom. She returns to find the Milk is missing for the land of Floor and releases the Great Banshee Scream of the Queen. Seeing her unhappiness, CH is off to Fridge to return with Milk ... thereby ... once again saving the day. Queen McKenzie received her Chocolate Milk with the help of the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. and all is well once more ....

Until next time...


DTL and the Agents of W.I.P.E.S. and D.I.A.P.E.R.

Having freed the citizens of the Dread Bread Bag of Plastic and taken them into Kidroom. CH decided that the citizen were better off in Mainroom. So he flew through and PLOP, they hit the floor and he was off ....

... to attack the Dreaded Torch Lamp.

See the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. decided to save the lives of future bulbs by not giving them enlightening via the DTL. However, she failed to save the previously injured bulb, so it has become CH's mission to save the injured bulb from the great heights of DTL. Just as DTL came crashing to towards the ground, the agnet of D.A.D.D.Y. saves our injured pal from shattering his life. With a brief smile, CH is off once again to save a citizen of Fridge.

You see, Fridge is a land populated by CH's favorite friends. There is Milk and Chocolate Syrup which bolster CH's powers. However, their is also D.A.D.D.Y.'s greatest nemesis. Her name is Margie. Margie and CH go way back. He's saved from the box. He's saved her from the tub. this time, however, D.A.D.D.Y. has placed her in the Flappy Bin of Disappearance. The FBoD is a little area near the top of Fridge beyond the reach of CH. However, with the help of climb, CH once again saves Margie and is off once again to Kidroom where he enters the Fortress of Futon Mattress.

The Fortress of Futon Mattress is a favorite haunt of CH because he is out of the immediate view of the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. It's an area of Kidroom which is a constantly changing blackhole. Things go in there and they disappear. Margie went in, so and agent of D.A.D.D.Y. followed to insure her retrieval. Margie was found in the clutches of the smiling CH and was successfully free.

Now the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. has called in the Hazardous Waste Team and the agents of W.I.P.E.S. and D.I.A.P.E.R. are descending upon our hero.

More to come ...


Liberation Time!

Back from the Land of the Freezing Rain, CH in his snazzy gray SUPERSUIT has decided that the Citizens of Crisp Berry Crunch need to be liberated from their bag prison. Utilizing the Chair of Great Height, CH brandishes the trademarked CH smile and quickly climbs towards the CoCBC.

At this crucial stage, the agents of D.A.D.D.Y. step in and confiscate the Chair of Great Height. Not swayed at all from his duties, CH takes off and spies the Chair of Lesser Height. Using the Chair of Lesser Height, CH frees 2 citizens from the Dreaded Bread Bag of Plastic and zooms off into the wilderness of Kidroom to release the citizens fend for themselves in the land of populated by ELMO, COOKIE and the others the roam in the wilderness of Kidroom.


The Morning Shoe Crisis

In the land of Kenzie, Queen McKenzie is unable to find her favorite brown leather boots. She swears that she put them in the closet, but they are mysteriously missing. An agent of D.A.D.D.Y. is placed on the case by an agent from M.O.M.M.Y. Swiftly the agent locates the missing boots, but alas no one from the land of Kenzie will collect them for the queen.

What's that we hear? It's Captain Hysteria!!! In he swoops and grabs the boots to whisk them away to the queen. Now all is okay in the land of Kenzie as the queen and CH share a slice of bacon before being whisked out into the Land of the Freezing Rain.

What lies next for our hero ... only time will tell as he heads out with the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. with Queen McKenzie into the Land of the Freezing Rain.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Hysteria Hibernation

The great Captain Hysteria has fallen into Hysteria Hibernation.

Stay tuned for the future adventures of ....


In a Startling Turn of Events ...

Captain Hysteria stands poised in the fridge. He approaches the entity know as M.O.M.M.Y. with a block which he plans to fill with chocolate milk. He gets 3 squirts in the block before M.O.M.M.Y intervenes. His big plot is foiled, but he emerges victorious with chocolate syrup on his finger and laughes in the face of M.O.M.M.Y.

He approaches your noble reporter with chocolate on his fingers. The reporter bends down to observe the little mena ... hero and the Chocolate Fingers of DOOM are shoved into the mouth of the reporter as the "Daddy. Daddy. Daddy" song begins and CH goes off to bother the Great Animal Music Band.

While tormenting the Great Animal Band with the Block of Chocolate (which has now become a Hat of Chocolate), CH decides to try his great chocolatety plan again. Caught in the act by M.O.M.M.Y. , CH flees with great chocolatety Hysteria speed.

CH has now returned to let loose the great Hysteria cry and let fly the Great Hysteria Cup followed by the banshee scream of Hysteria. Unsnapping his Hysteria unitard, he flashes his Hysteria pecs honed from 2 years of great acts of Hysteria. The Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. delivers the Great Cup of Hysteria and a quiet falls on the land.


This Just In ...

CH has a love affair with Paramesan Cheese. His day just isn't the same unless it's all over his mouth and in his hair and on the floor. It gives him super speed so that he can dash aways right before the evil force of D.A.D.D.Y. catches up to him and then he's off to his Fortress of Hysteria.

His other nemesis is the 7-year old 25" TV. Several months ago, he sucessfully dimmed it to just a line after several days of pulling it off of its little cart. Since then it's sat there on its little cart (now by the door) safe from the Wrath of CH.


The Dreaded Torch Lamp

Look up above. Yes ... up there. You see that? This is Captain Hysteria's new enemy ... THE DREADED TORCH LAMP (DTL).

See DTL is a lamp that uses the common everyday light bulb, but when the light bulb comes together with the lamp, it becomes DTL and is a menace to all that is dark. CH (Captain Hysteria) is determined to take out DTL so everyday after running to the fridge for his morning cup of milk (got to stay healthy) CH takes on DTL.

Today DTL has lost yet another battle, but was not left shattered, so he will return to shine his light once again.

CH's bulb tally for this week is 5.
2 shattered and 3 simply with broken filament.

He just took out another bulb (those dastardly villians) this morning. Excuse me while I go buy stock in a light bulb company.


It All Started with a Simple Sticker

It all started with a simple sticker that I received from my buddy, Mike Hawthorne. You see, Mike is a comic book creator that I've known for some time and he has this creator-owned comic book series that he works owned called, Hysteria. Mike created this sticker and gave it to me at some point in time. Some months later I came across the sticker and my kids began sticking it on each other.

This is Nesta who shall forever be known simply as ...

Let the adventures begin ...

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