Saturday, September 30, 2006


Making PB&J: The Queen's Method

Making a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a relative simple and mundane task for us commoners. However, when you are Queen McKenzie everything must be a royal spectacle... even the mundane. So in recent months (okay about 6-7 months now) Queen McKenzie has sought to become independent of the Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. (AoMaD) The first step of independence ... learn to make your own grub. Queen McKenzie therefore took up the fine art of making the PB&J. To make a PB&J the Queen's way you:

1) Get the Bread. As you are the Queen, the AoMaD hove made your life (and theirs) easier by placing the bread within your limited reach. However, since you are the Queen, you must have your bread TOASTED! This means that the toaster must be within your limited reach as well and thus the AoD made it happen.

2) Bet the Peanut Butter. Additionally, the AoMaD have made their lives easier by placing the PB within the Queen's limited reach. Although this sometimes results in huge messes when Captain Hysteria steals away to his Fortress of Solitude and shoves handfuls of PB into his mouth, this is a calculated risk to make their lives easier.
Note: The AoMaD are smart and placed the bread and PB in the same location.

3) Put the Bread in the Toaster. You'd think this would be part of step one, but according to the Queen this can only be done after you have secured the PB and before you have secured the J.

4) Get the Jelly. This is where things can go awry as the Queen DOES NOT have the jelly. Only commoners such as Princess Gwen, Captain Hysteria or the AoMaD can get the jelly. We will show you the path of most resistance ... Queen McKenzie commands CH to get the jelly.

5) Visit the land of Bath. Commoners would handle all their business in the land of Bath before assembling the beginnings of PB&J, but not the Queen. She must visit the land of Bath after assembling the ingredients and BEFORE putting the ingredients together.

6) Yell for CH to Get the Jelly. With the business in the land of Bath completed, the Queen discovers that CH is still silently eating his cereal. This is unacceptable as the jelly is still in the Fridge so once again CH must receive his orders.

7) Demand Satisfaction from the AoD. Since CH has not given in to the demands of the Queen is is now time to seek justice in the AoD tribunal. The AoD judgment is not to the satisfaction of the Queen and thus the Queen begins to loudly ...

8) Complain About CH not Getting the Jelly. The Queen then just begins to loudly talk to no one about how CH NEEDS to get the jelly.

9) CH silently finishes his cereal. CH must do this for 8) to end and 10) to begin

10) Complain to AoD about CH being finished with his cereal and still not getting the jelly. The AoD once again does not side with the Queen because it's the Queen's sandwich and thus the Queen should get the jelly.

11) Demand CH get the Jelly. The Queen, of course, would rather eat nothing than get the Jelly.

12) CH get the Jelly. In a stunning turn of event CH silently gets up and get Jelly.

13) Forget where you placed the bread. While the Queen is doing 6-8, the Bread pops out of the toaster and the Queen grabs it. This means the Queen now has it as she walks around doing 8. This also means that the Queen places the bread (now toast) down and doesn't remember where.

14) Get advice from Princess Gwen. Never to be left out Princess Gwen now enters with her advice. "It's in the toaster!" PG shouts from the land of Dolynn.

15) The shout back. Of course, PG wasn't privy to Step 13 so the Queen must shout back "No, it isn't." occasionally the shout back is coupled with an additional dummy, stupid or other phrase that causes the AoD to step in.

16) Consult the AoD on the Status of the Toast. After the exhaustive 2 second search for the toast (formerly bread), the Queen then consults with the AoD. The AoD in most instances was filling out paperwork, chasing CH, cleaning up after CH, or otherwise busy and thus is not much help.

17) Discover the Toast. Not being satisfied with the AoD's response, the Queen sighs and looks on the table and sees .... the TOAST. The toast was hidden by a strange colorless gas known as air which rendered the toast visible only to everyone but the one looking for it AKA the Queen.

18) Put the PB&J on the Toast. This is a simple task that requires 12 trips into both jars, 1 lick of the retrieval utensil between each trip and 10-30 minutes.

19) Demand CH put the Jelly up. CH got it out so CH should put it up, but the Queen opens the Fridge for CH.

20) Declare yourself full and give the sandwich to the AoD. The Queen is all the sudden full and no longer wants the PB&J (see step 18 for the answer to why). The AoD is awarded the newly completed sandwich.

That's how to make a PB&J in 20 easy steps.

Sunday, September 24, 2006


Hysterical Games : Bite My Finger

Captain Hysteria has a regular set of games that he likes to play. One of those games is Bite My Finger. This is the way a typical game of Bite My Finger goes.

CH comes running at you full speed. CH stops just short of knocking you over. CH then raises his arms and hops, so that you bend over and pick him up. Now that CH is on your level, CH points his index finger at you and says, "Bite My Finger?"

Like any sane person you say, "No." Then CH repeats, "Bite My Finger?" and shoves his finger to your mouth. You pretend to bite his finger and then he screams, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"

Next, CH says, "Bite My Finger," but does not point at you with his finger. This is your cue to stick your finger in his mouth. It's a reciprocal game. However, while you pretended to bite his finger, CH clamps down on your finger with all his Hysterical might and doesn't let go until you scream bloody murder.

After you remove your now bite riddled, you are more cautious in the future. However, there is no avoiding the game as CH is a crafty little devil and will spring the game often with no prior warning. Once the game is sprung, you have no other course of action but to accept a bite riddled finger.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006



Contrary to popular belief, Captain Hysteria is not invincible or impervious to harm. He doesn't even have a healing factor. He's like Batman just an ordinary Joe who seeks adventure. The problem with being an adventure seeker is that every now and then, you find yourself in harm's way. If you're CH, do you harm yourself in the myriad of adventures that you find yourself in?


Jump of a 3 feet table? Land on your feet and keep running.
Drop a 1 pack of soda pop on your uncovered toes? Walk it off without any trouble.

Trip during your (week) daily scheduled pick-up of Princess Gwen? Yep, you skin your knee and cry bloody murder for 10 minutes. Later as it starts to heal and you pull off the scab ... you run screaming, "I'm bweeding, I'm bweeding, M.O.M.M.Y. " This, of course, earns you 2 adhesive strips (one to cover the abrasion, the other to cover the non-abrased knee).

A week later, you will then casually scrape that knee and all the royalty in the land will come running exclaiming that you're bleeding badly and otherwise be genuinely concerned about the scrape that has barely produced a trickle of the hemoglobin laced fluid. You will then solicit sympathy and milk the scrape for all it's worth before doing something more mundane ... like watch a Little People's DVD before planning your adventures for the day.

Friday, September 01, 2006


Warding Off Vampires (Appeasing the Guy with Toys and Gadgets)

A certain Guy who has Toys and Gadgets registered a complaint with an agent of M.O.M.M.Y. about the brevity of the latest entry. That complaint was sent onto an agent of D.A.D.D.Y. and after passing through all the bureaucracy has finally made it back to me. Thus I bring you ...


It was learned today that one Captain Hysteria's many obligations is apparently ward off vampires. As we know there are many ways to ward off vampires such as moving water (vampires can't cross moving water), crucifixes (and perhaps other religious symbols), and garlic (yep garlic). CH has chosen garlic as his means of warding off vampires and he's aided and abetted by a certain pizza delivery chain that shall be known as Papas (Papas has no affiliation with the D.A.D.D.Y.).

You see, Papas packs each and every pizza with its fabulous extra strength garlic sauce (ESGS) because Papas knows that garlic is truly the only way to effectively ward off vampires and Papas is secretly is cahoots with CH. The agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. have no knowledge of the existence of vampires and thus conspire to keep the ESGS out of the hands of the good Captain. The good Captain does not let that top him.

Recently, the AoD placed an order for 3 medium pizzas from Papas. Of course, those 3 pizzas came with 1 sauce each.

At lunch time, Sauce #1 stayed inside the box never to used by the good Captain.

Later (at dinner time), CH refused to eat his pizza with the sauce and insisted on having the entire little cup. Not being completely incompetent, the AoD realized that CH would spill the contents of Sauce #2 all over the place. To appease the good Captain the AoD placed Sauce #2 into a much larger plastic container greatly decreasing CH's ability to make a mess. After successfully dunking the edge of his pizza sauce into the sauce twice, CH decided that a paper towel would be a more effective way of tool for removing the sauce from the plastic container and he was correct. The paper towel successfully soaked up the entirely of the ESGS and off the good Captain streaked spreading the ESGS goodness into KidRoom with the AoD right on his heels.

Now Sauce #3 made into the next day unused and with pizza #3 finished, Sauce #3 was discarded with the pizza box. Later, CH silently retrieved Sauce #1 and crept silently into KidRoom. The machinations of CH was discovered when the smell of ESGS begin to permeate KidRoom and float into ComputerRoom. The AoM was the first agent to respond and quickly called on the AoD. The agents discovered an empty container that formerly contained Sauce #3. What happened to Sauce #3? Apart from a small stain on the carpet of KidRoom, no trace of the remaining ESGS was discovered. The report filed by the agents concluded that CH consumed the ESGS and which added HysteriaBreath to his already impressive array of powers.

To date, no vampires have been discovered in close proximity to KidRoom so either CH and Papas are effective in there ongoing battle against the vampires or both are completely delusional and are simply conspiring in mischief, you be the judge.

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