Sunday, July 30, 2006


No Shoes. No Shirt. No Bye-Bye.

Captain Hysteria has developed an interesting habit. You see, CH spends most of his time inside dressed only in his Hysteria Loincloth (HL aka diaper). When CH decides that it's time to leave the relative security (air conditioning) of the House and venture outside, CH grabs a shirt and his shoes and demands to be dressed. Once CH is dressed in said shirt and shoes (no pants), CH then runs to the door. CH then grabs at the doorknob and/or waits for the door to be opened. If an attempt is made to shove CH into pants or to otherwise cover his HL, CH runs away.

This is the prospect that yo face every time, it's time to go bye-bye.



Queen McKenzie and Princess Gwen are at war. The war began because the Princess declared that they were to play dolls and the Queen declared they were to play Beanie Babies. An Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. was dispatched and negotiated a ceasefire. The terms of the ceasefire stated that the Queen was to return to the Land of Kenzie and the Princess to the Land of Dolynn until such time they were able to co-exist peacefully.

10 minutes later they were co-existing peacefully and then ...
The Pretend War began. The Pretend War was started when the Queen declared that no one could have more than oen pretend pet. The Princess declared that she could have as many pretend pets as she wished (in this case 2).

The AoD sulked.
How does the Queen know how many pretend pets another person has? Is there a pretend pet registry?
Why did the Princess announce that she had more than one?

It's going to be a LOOOOOONG day.

Friday, July 28, 2006


The Importance of Naps

Captain Hysteria requires a daily nap. No matter what CH tells you, he requires a daily nap. If you are smart this daily nap will occur before 4PM. If you are lucky and it doesn't occur before 4PM, maybe when CH passes out at 8PM ... maybe just maybe he will sleep through the night. However, if you are an agent of D.A.D.D.Y. then you are never lucky and this means that the CH misses his nap and then goes down at 7PM. If CH goes down at 7PM, then CH will be revitalized by 9PM (if you're lucky) or 10PM (if you're just really, really unlucky).

Yesterday, CH mussed his midday nap and was down at 7PM.
This, of course, meant he was back up and on the move afer 10PM. That means he's full of Hyper Hysterical Energy. This means that the AoD was in for a long night.

Captain Hysteria was down for the count by 1:30 AM.

During this time....

CH visited the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. as the AoM slumbered and emptied her purse (three times).

CH climbed the counter and threw the spices on the floor (two times).

CH ran around the room in circles (too many times to count).

CH climbed the AoM's computer chair (120 times).

CH pushed over the AoM's computer chair (121 times).

CH pushed the antenna off the TV (7 times).

CH climb the computer room table (351,673 times).

CH knocked over the playpen of toys (1 time).

CH climbed on the microwave table (85 times).

All this would be enough to put a normal child to sleep. However, not CH. To top off his night's adventures he decided to pit his Hysterical Strength against the AoM's Impervious Eye Glasses. While the AOMIEG won the battle, they did walk away unscathed as the Hysterical Strength was strong enough to twist them into a W shape with the lenses at a right angle.

While the AoD informed the AoM about the state of the AOMIEG, CH topped off his night by dousing the computer table with bug spray.

The destruction that the good Captain wrought has now been cleansed. The AOMIEG were successfully adjusted back to their previous shape (at no cost; adjustments are free) by the kind folks a Lenscrafters.

Today the good Captain had a nap before 3:30PM, so all should be safe in the land tonight.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


Conversations with the Captain

This morning Captain Hysteria was standing in one of the computer chairs. It was turned around so he was looking over the back. The Queen and Princess were sitting on the floor playing with something they shouldn't. The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. stood up, leaned onto the back of the chair and the conversation began.

Captain Hysteria : D.A.D.D.Y., hungry!
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. : What do you want?
Queen McKenzie : Cereal!
AoD : I know you want cereal, what does CH want? What do you want, CH?
CH looks around.
CH : Basket!
CH climbs down the chair and looks for a DVD to watch.
He got cornflakes in a bowl. Although the agent did consider placing the cornflakes into a basket rather than the bowl.

Friday, July 21, 2006


This Side Up

The Queen McKenzie of Kenzie was visiting the land of Bath w hen she found herself needing assistance from the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. "D.A.D.D.Y?" she said. "D.A.D.D.Y, my panties are too tight." Thinking that she simple puller up her panties too quickly (resulting in the dread pantie roll-up), the AoD rose from his seat to aid the Queen.

Upon closer inspection, the agent determined that not only was their panty roll-up, the Queen was wearing her panties with the leg hole placed snuggly around her waist.

There is a ton of money to be made in the 2-5 year underwear market for the first manufacturer to produce undies with a simple arrow on the front that points up towards the waist. All the underear manufacturers need to stop making bikinis and thongs for pre-teens and start making useful underwear.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Conversation with the Captain

Captain Hysteria : My eyes, D.A.D.D.Y! My eyes!
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. : ???
CH : The closet!

Captain Hysteria runs off to play.
You didn't really expect something logical, did you?

Saturday, July 15, 2006


The Pairing

Somewhere along the lines, Captain Hysteria and the girls managed to pick up a Tom and Jerry DVD. This DVD includes the Tom and Jerry Movie along with several shorts. The shorts became the subject of discussion between Queen McKenzie and the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. The shorts are titled The Invisible Mouse and Just Ducky. Thus the conversation goes as follows:

QM : Daddy, I want to see the Pairing.
AoD: The Pairing? What's that?
QM: The Paring?
AoD: What's the pairing?
QM: The Pairing ... with the paint?
AoD: Huh?
QM: The Pairing ... it has the paint to make the mouse disappear.

Yes, the Pairing is apparently Kenziespeak for diasppearing and is thus ... The Invisible Mouse!

Saturday, July 08, 2006


The Spoon

This morning Captain Hysteria decided to torment Queen McKenzie with the Spoon. The Spoon is a black plastic utensil somewhere between a spoon and a ladle. Every now and then the Captin locates this weapon and uses it to even the odds. Today, the Queen came running to the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. crying because CH was hitting her with the Spoon. The Agent told CH to stop hitting people with the Spoon. CH looked at the Agent and hit himself in the head with the Spoon.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch," the Captain exclaimed as he continued to pummel himself with the Spoon.

The Agent shook his head. It was to be a long day as it's only 9 AM.

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