Saturday, September 30, 2006
Making PB&J: The Queen's Method
Making a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a relative simple and mundane task for us commoners. However, when you are Queen McKenzie everything must be a royal spectacle... even the mundane. So in recent months (okay about 6-7 months now) Queen McKenzie has sought to become independent of the Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. (AoMaD) The first step of independence ... learn to make your own grub. Queen McKenzie therefore took up the fine art of making the PB&J. To make a PB&J the Queen's way you:
1) Get the Bread. As you are the Queen, the AoMaD hove made your life (and theirs) easier by placing the bread within your limited reach. However, since you are the Queen, you must have your bread TOASTED! This means that the toaster must be within your limited reach as well and thus the AoD made it happen.
2) Bet the Peanut Butter. Additionally, the AoMaD have made their lives easier by placing the PB within the Queen's limited reach. Although this sometimes results in huge messes when Captain Hysteria steals away to his Fortress of Solitude and shoves handfuls of PB into his mouth, this is a calculated risk to make their lives easier.
Note: The AoMaD are smart and placed the bread and PB in the same location.
3) Put the Bread in the Toaster. You'd think this would be part of step one, but according to the Queen this can only be done after you have secured the PB and before you have secured the J.
4) Get the Jelly. This is where things can go awry as the Queen DOES NOT have the jelly. Only commoners such as Princess Gwen, Captain Hysteria or the AoMaD can get the jelly. We will show you the path of most resistance ... Queen McKenzie commands CH to get the jelly.
5) Visit the land of Bath. Commoners would handle all their business in the land of Bath before assembling the beginnings of PB&J, but not the Queen. She must visit the land of Bath after assembling the ingredients and BEFORE putting the ingredients together.
6) Yell for CH to Get the Jelly. With the business in the land of Bath completed, the Queen discovers that CH is still silently eating his cereal. This is unacceptable as the jelly is still in the Fridge so once again CH must receive his orders.
7) Demand Satisfaction from the AoD. Since CH has not given in to the demands of the Queen is is now time to seek justice in the AoD tribunal. The AoD judgment is not to the satisfaction of the Queen and thus the Queen begins to loudly ...
8) Complain About CH not Getting the Jelly. The Queen then just begins to loudly talk to no one about how CH NEEDS to get the jelly.
9) CH silently finishes his cereal. CH must do this for 8) to end and 10) to begin
10) Complain to AoD about CH being finished with his cereal and still not getting the jelly. The AoD once again does not side with the Queen because it's the Queen's sandwich and thus the Queen should get the jelly.
11) Demand CH get the Jelly. The Queen, of course, would rather eat nothing than get the Jelly.
12) CH get the Jelly. In a stunning turn of event CH silently gets up and get Jelly.
13) Forget where you placed the bread. While the Queen is doing 6-8, the Bread pops out of the toaster and the Queen grabs it. This means the Queen now has it as she walks around doing 8. This also means that the Queen places the bread (now toast) down and doesn't remember where.
14) Get advice from Princess Gwen. Never to be left out Princess Gwen now enters with her advice. "It's in the toaster!" PG shouts from the land of Dolynn.
15) The shout back. Of course, PG wasn't privy to Step 13 so the Queen must shout back "No, it isn't." occasionally the shout back is coupled with an additional dummy, stupid or other phrase that causes the AoD to step in.
16) Consult the AoD on the Status of the Toast. After the exhaustive 2 second search for the toast (formerly bread), the Queen then consults with the AoD. The AoD in most instances was filling out paperwork, chasing CH, cleaning up after CH, or otherwise busy and thus is not much help.
17) Discover the Toast. Not being satisfied with the AoD's response, the Queen sighs and looks on the table and sees .... the TOAST. The toast was hidden by a strange colorless gas known as air which rendered the toast visible only to everyone but the one looking for it AKA the Queen.
18) Put the PB&J on the Toast. This is a simple task that requires 12 trips into both jars, 1 lick of the retrieval utensil between each trip and 10-30 minutes.
19) Demand CH put the Jelly up. CH got it out so CH should put it up, but the Queen opens the Fridge for CH.
20) Declare yourself full and give the sandwich to the AoD. The Queen is all the sudden full and no longer wants the PB&J (see step 18 for the answer to why). The AoD is awarded the newly completed sandwich.
That's how to make a PB&J in 20 easy steps.
1) Get the Bread. As you are the Queen, the AoMaD hove made your life (and theirs) easier by placing the bread within your limited reach. However, since you are the Queen, you must have your bread TOASTED! This means that the toaster must be within your limited reach as well and thus the AoD made it happen.
2) Bet the Peanut Butter. Additionally, the AoMaD have made their lives easier by placing the PB within the Queen's limited reach. Although this sometimes results in huge messes when Captain Hysteria steals away to his Fortress of Solitude and shoves handfuls of PB into his mouth, this is a calculated risk to make their lives easier.
Note: The AoMaD are smart and placed the bread and PB in the same location.
3) Put the Bread in the Toaster. You'd think this would be part of step one, but according to the Queen this can only be done after you have secured the PB and before you have secured the J.
4) Get the Jelly. This is where things can go awry as the Queen DOES NOT have the jelly. Only commoners such as Princess Gwen, Captain Hysteria or the AoMaD can get the jelly. We will show you the path of most resistance ... Queen McKenzie commands CH to get the jelly.
5) Visit the land of Bath. Commoners would handle all their business in the land of Bath before assembling the beginnings of PB&J, but not the Queen. She must visit the land of Bath after assembling the ingredients and BEFORE putting the ingredients together.
6) Yell for CH to Get the Jelly. With the business in the land of Bath completed, the Queen discovers that CH is still silently eating his cereal. This is unacceptable as the jelly is still in the Fridge so once again CH must receive his orders.
7) Demand Satisfaction from the AoD. Since CH has not given in to the demands of the Queen is is now time to seek justice in the AoD tribunal. The AoD judgment is not to the satisfaction of the Queen and thus the Queen begins to loudly ...
8) Complain About CH not Getting the Jelly. The Queen then just begins to loudly talk to no one about how CH NEEDS to get the jelly.
9) CH silently finishes his cereal. CH must do this for 8) to end and 10) to begin
10) Complain to AoD about CH being finished with his cereal and still not getting the jelly. The AoD once again does not side with the Queen because it's the Queen's sandwich and thus the Queen should get the jelly.
11) Demand CH get the Jelly. The Queen, of course, would rather eat nothing than get the Jelly.
12) CH get the Jelly. In a stunning turn of event CH silently gets up and get Jelly.
13) Forget where you placed the bread. While the Queen is doing 6-8, the Bread pops out of the toaster and the Queen grabs it. This means the Queen now has it as she walks around doing 8. This also means that the Queen places the bread (now toast) down and doesn't remember where.
14) Get advice from Princess Gwen. Never to be left out Princess Gwen now enters with her advice. "It's in the toaster!" PG shouts from the land of Dolynn.
15) The shout back. Of course, PG wasn't privy to Step 13 so the Queen must shout back "No, it isn't." occasionally the shout back is coupled with an additional dummy, stupid or other phrase that causes the AoD to step in.
16) Consult the AoD on the Status of the Toast. After the exhaustive 2 second search for the toast (formerly bread), the Queen then consults with the AoD. The AoD in most instances was filling out paperwork, chasing CH, cleaning up after CH, or otherwise busy and thus is not much help.
17) Discover the Toast. Not being satisfied with the AoD's response, the Queen sighs and looks on the table and sees .... the TOAST. The toast was hidden by a strange colorless gas known as air which rendered the toast visible only to everyone but the one looking for it AKA the Queen.
18) Put the PB&J on the Toast. This is a simple task that requires 12 trips into both jars, 1 lick of the retrieval utensil between each trip and 10-30 minutes.
19) Demand CH put the Jelly up. CH got it out so CH should put it up, but the Queen opens the Fridge for CH.
20) Declare yourself full and give the sandwich to the AoD. The Queen is all the sudden full and no longer wants the PB&J (see step 18 for the answer to why). The AoD is awarded the newly completed sandwich.
That's how to make a PB&J in 20 easy steps.
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