The All True Adventures of the Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y

Agent of Chaos and Goals of the New Year

2008-01-12T10:30:00.000-08:00

When last we spoke, I mentioned that there was something in the works that was tangentially related to this blog, well...

My good buddy and comic book artist extraordinare, Mike Hawthorne, has been pushing me to turn this blog into more. So with the help of Steve Musgrave and my comrade in arms, Mike Imboden, we created Thomas: Agent of Chaos.

Thomas and his brother, Carl, are a mixture of Calvin and Hobbes, Dennis the Menace, Princess Gwen, Queen McKenzie, and Captain Hysteria : the ORIGINAL Agent of Chaos.

Thomas: Agent of Chaos is part of this month's (JAN 2008) competition of Zuda Comics. Zuda Comics is basically like American Idol for comic books/ comic strips. 10 strips are chosen a month and given over to the public to vote. So it's your job to register and vote on Thomas. If Thomas finishes as the top strip (AKA #1) then we (Steve, Mike and I) get a contract and get paid to produce 52 more Thomas strips. If not then Steve Mike and I, will continue to do the strip as we can. Either way there will be more Thomas, but if we win there will be much, much more Thomas! The URL to vote is www.zudacomics.com/node/250 but remember to register first!

That's enough about Thomas. This post is running long as CH:tOAoC has reminded the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y by some how shoving both fists into a single (and formerly full) 18 oz jar of peanut butter.

The goals for the new year are
1) post more often to this blog
2) do more Thomas strips
3) get the Princess to ride her bike without training wheels (she is 10 now)
4) get the Queen to ride here bike without training wheels (she is almost 6 mow)
5) get the peanut butter smell off CH.

A tip to help defeat th e Agents of C.H.A.O.S :
Washable crayons are your friend. They wash off most surfaces with water. If you find yourself in possession of non-washable crayons (like if a G.R.A.N.D Agent supplied them), WD-40 and/or baby oil will remove them. If the AoCs some how get hold of a Sharpie of other non-washable market, rubbing alcohol should remove the marks from most surfaces.

Chaos!

2007-12-13T16:19:00.000-08:00

It's been a might bit quiet here for a while and for that I apologize.
Hang on until the beginning of the year because the agents of chaos have created something cool.

To France with Love

2007-07-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

My mother's youngest brother died in France late last week.

He and I spent 25 years without seeing each other. When I graduated from high school, he purchased me a $300 bicycle. One that matched his own. At that time, he had seen me since I was maybe 3 years old. We met once again a couple years ago and although, I never told him, he was one of my favorite people. He was someone you could talk to about everything and nothing.

I'm making this post here because from the moment he met the kids he loved them with all his heart, especially our dear Princess Gwen. I wished that our lives were different and that we had spent more time together, if only for Gwen.

So here's a post in the memory of Michael Anthony Farrow, who left us far too soon.

Conversations with the Queen: Short People

2007-06-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

In House, all cereal is stored on top of Fridge. With that is mind, here's the latest conversationwith Queen McKenzie.

Queen McKenzie: I can't reach the cereal.
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y.: That's because you're a midget.
QM: What's a midget?
AoD: A short person.

QM hops into the land of KidRoom where Captain Hysteria, Princess Gwen and visiting Cousin Eli are playing.

QM: Hey, guess what? I'm a midget and a midget is a short person.

OCD Queen

2007-06-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

Queen McKenzie has decreed that the end the Queen's shoe laces must be the same length.

To comply with this newest decree, the Queen has unlaced the laces of the Queen's shoe to re-lace them. When the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. brought up the fact that the length of the laces don't matter, the Queen's response was, "It does too matter. Everything matters. You're not the boss of me."

And thus the AoD left the Queen to her constant re- lacing, but the AoD subscribes to the notion that if it doesn't matter, it's not worth debating with a 5 year old .

Royal Humor

2007-05-30T13:29:00.001-07:00

The Queen is a royal comedian what follows is a sample of her stand-up comedy.

Queen: Knock. Knock
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y.: Who's there?
Q: Banana
AoD: Banana who?
Q: Knock. Knock
AoD: Who's there?
Q: Banana
AoD: Banana who?
Q: Knock. Knock
AoD: Who's there?
Q: Banana
AoD: Banana who?
Q: Knock. Knock
AoD: Who's there?
Q: Banana
AoD: Banana who?
Q: Knock. Knock
AoD: Who's there?
Q: Orange
AoD: Orange who?
Q: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Q: To get some beard.
AoD: Huh?
Q: He wanted to drink some beard?

Q: Poopie!
AoD: ????!
Q: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I said Poopie!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Q: Poopie!
AoD: Huh?
Q: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I said Poopie! That's funny.

Realizations

2007-05-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

Queen McKenzie of Kenzie realized that movies that are on DVD are no longer shown in the theater. That realization comes with much sorrow as she now knows that she will never see Lilo and Stitch in the theater.

Teamwork!

2007-05-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

Captain Hysteria (AKA Agent of Chaos) has become a member of a group of heroes. That group of heroes is known as the Wonderpets. The other members of the groups are Linny the Guinea Pig, Ming-Ming Duckling, and Turtle Tuck. The Wonderpets go globe trotting to save other animals with teamwork. The Wonderpets catchphrase is "What's going to work? Teamwork!"

Using this catchphrase you can get CH to do any number of things that he wouldn't normally do. When he steals your pencil and runs off with it, simply stating the Wonderpets credo is enough to get CH to bring it back. Chasing CH around the room? The Wonderpets credo brings CH running to you. CH jumping on the bed? The Wonderpets credo.

Of course, the good is aways balanced with the bad. As all fans of the Wonderpets know (or as mentioned above), the Wonderpets go globe trotting to SAVE OTHER ANIMALS with teamwork. Cow in the tree? The Wonderpets will save the day. Seals fighting over a treat. The Wonderpets will save the day. Unfortunately, for CH he doesn't have a tin can phone to receive animal trouble reports. This means that CH must create the situations such as toy dinosaur trapped in the barbecue sauce or rubber duckie trapped by a stream of urine (CH is mostly potty trained) or the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y's recent favorite beanie baby bear trapped in a mountain of poo (CH is mostly potty trained).

Strangely enough, the Wonderpets are noticeably absent for these rescues.

Conversation with the Queen: The Birds and the Bees.

2007-04-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. started the day with this conversation with Queen McKenzie of Kenzie (AKA Cat).

AoD: Cat, you're cool I'm glad I made you.

Cat: You didn't make me M.O.M.M.Y. did.

AoD: So ... you're not mine?

Cat: I'm yours because you named me. Agent of C.H.A.O.S. is yours because you named him. Princess Gwen is M.O.M.M.Y.'s because she named her. You have 2 and M.O.M.M.Y. has one.

AoD: Well ..... then I need to stop naming kids.

Agent of M.U.C.U.S.

2007-04-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

The Agent of Chaos formerly known as Spy formerly known as Captain Hysteria has become a sworn Agent of M.U.C.U.S. As an AoM, AoC has gained such powers as Hacking Cough and the Nose Mucus Bubble of Doom.

The goal of the AoM .... to spread the cause of M.U.C.U.S. throughout the world.

Keeping It Together

2007-03-31T08:16:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. suffered from a rash. This rash spread from the inner elbow up and down the left arm and over to the right arm across his back and down the thighs. The AoD is not one to make frivolous trips to the doctor and thus choose to treat the rash with cortisone. The rash is now gone, but the one lesson learned was that household adhesives and cortisone should not be stored in the same areas.

A Name Change and Tickling Etiquette

2007-03-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y has hereby declared that the child formerly known as Captain Hysteria and Spy will henceforth be called Agent of C.H.A.O.S.

Agent of C.H.A.O.S has been informed that AoC is violating the Etiquette of Tickling. AoC is now on notice that AoC can not just run up and yell "Tickle. Tickle. Tickle." and expect anyone to laugh. Furthermore, AoC was informed that AoC can not put in tickling requests by grabbing the AoD's hand and making tickling motions on AoC's belly. Tickling does not occur on demand, it is reserved to the times when it's least expected.

The Blame Game

2007-03-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. has quickly learned that no matter what happens the balem lies at the the feet of the AoD.

Spy has discovered the secret to unlocking the stroller and is thus now able to menace society at will. When Spy decides to free himself from the stroller with cookie in hand and promptly drops the cookie on the ground ... Spy's response?

"You dropped cookie, D.A.D.D.Y."
Yep, the AoD has the ability to punish Spy by commanding Spy's hand to drop the cookie. However, AoD lacks the ability to stop the escape to begin with.

When making the daily 10 minute round trip to rescue the Princess from School, Queen McKenzie always has to rush back to House because the Queen has to Potty. When the Queen fails to make it back to House in time ... you guessed it.

"It's your fault, D.A.D.D.Y."
Yep, it's the AoD has ultimate control of the Bladder. This is why the Queen refuses to go Potty before leaving House and has no desire to go Potty while at School. Because the AoD controsl the Bladder, the Aod has decided that the Queen will always have the desire to go Potty exactly half way between School and House, but ONLY on the return trip. The AoD's bladder control also ignores all past history where the Queen sat for 30 minutes during road trips because there is no Potty available.

Given 3 quarters, 4 dimes, 4 nickels and 10 pennies, the Princess Gwen must make 99 cent. When the Princess fails to find the correct change ... the AoD gets the attitude.

Circle, Mixed and Baked

2007-03-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

When dealing with Queen Elizabeth who is now known as Violet, every now and again she will request bacon and eggs for breakfast (or lunch). Before beginning thr preparation for the eggs, who must ask QEWINKAV how she wants her eggs. If you don't and just prepare them as you wish, she will not eat them and you are back to square one. If you do ask you will get one or more of the following requests: circle, mixed, or baked. Those may be modified with "with the yellow stuff moving" or "no yellow stuff." From there you must translate KenzieSpeak into English.

Circle when it refers to an egg means hard boiled. Mixed, of course, is scrambled. Baked is one that often comes with the modifiers.

Baked with the yellow stuff moving is KenzieSpeak for eggs over medium
Baked with no yellow stuff is KenzieSpeak for a eggs over hard.
Baked with no modifier is a simple fried egg.

There is also circle with the yellow stuff moving which is simply KenzieSpeak for soft boiled eggs.

Of course, the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. takes no credit for the turn of events as the AoD only prepared mixed eggs. The Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. introduced the concept of choice into simple bacon and eggs and thereby has forced the AoD into becoming a short order cook.

FYI: Queen Elizabeth has now taken the name Violet after Milla Jovovich's charater from the movie Ultraviolet. The rumor has it that the AoD will watch any movie that features Milla (even the lackluster Messenger) and thus the Queen has been unduly influenced by this behavior. The AoM refuses to acknowledge the Queen's new name. The AoD attributes this behavior as some sort of jealousy over the AoD apparent "obsession" with Milla. Despite what Spy may say no one (and especially not the AoD) is instructing Spy to refer to Milla as MillaMommy. Spy we all know is a crafty interloper and should not be trusted.

The Time Has Come

2007-02-24T07:37:00.000-08:00

This morning the Spy Currently Known as Tarzan woke from the place on the floor where he was sleeping. SCKAT climbed upon the counter in Kitchen. SCKAT walked across Stove and reached across Fridge to grab My Butt. My Butt is the creme that SCKAT ask for by name when SCKAT's tender backside become inflamed due to SCKAT running about in a butt wrap which SCKAT refuses to allow any one to remove.

An inflamed backside is known by the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. as karma. The karma earned because SCKAT is a stubborn savage. A savage that would rather run about House soaking wet and then cross into Kitchen, dash across Stove and unto Fridge for My Butt over simply visiting the land of Potty where SCKAT is king complete with a throne.

The Key to Being Popular

2007-02-13T10:28:00.000-08:00

The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. received a call today from Principal. The call went something like this.

"AoD," said Principal. Principal and AoD are on first name basis because AoD is a former President of the PTA. "Everything is okay," she began. This is the first clue that everything isn't okay. "Everything is okay, but are you available to come get Princess Gwen? PG was in the restroom this morning and another girl told PG that she should use soap to wash her hands. PG said she didn't want to use soap and an altercation occurred. PG was allowed to finish taking the test but we want to discourage such outbursts so please come to pick-up Princess Gwen. Princess Gwen can come back to school on Thursday."

Yes, the discussion went something like that. The AoD looked about the room at the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. and explained that Princess Gwen has been suspended from school for fighting over soap usage.

AoD then travelled to School to get Princess Gwen. On the ride home from School, the Princess explained what happened. You see ....
PG and M were in the restroom. M noticed that PG was not using soap to wash her hands. M told PG that all the POPULAR kids used soap. PG said she didn't want to use soap and flicked water at M and the altercation began.

Yes, PG got in a fight at school over using soap. Not only was PG wrong in regards to fighting at school, PG was wrong in the intelligence use to make the decision about the war. AoD is sure there's a lesson in there about getting into a fight due to faulty intelligence, but that is a lessen better left to history as right now PG has is placing the part of Cinderella.

Spy Training

2007-02-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

Every time the Agents are convinced that Spy is truly Spy, Spy decided to do some thing that only Captain Hysteria would do. Such as:

Eating powdered coffee creamer.

CH and Spy are both partial to hazelnut coffee creamer. No container of coffee creamer has EVER been finished off by anyone other than CH. The newest container of hazelnut to enter House has been recently disposed of by Spy. By disposed of, we, of course, mean Spy poured the creamer directly into the gaping mouth of Spy until overflowing. Once overflowing Spy then spits a huge puff of creamer all over Kitchen and then pours the remaining creamer onto the counter.

This pattern has continues into spices (such as parika, Italian seasoning, garlic powder and cinnamon, although it's only happened once with chili powder for some odd reason) and powder like cheeses (like Parmesan)

Why? Ponderings from the Headquarters of D.A.D.D.Y.

2007-02-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

Submitted for the Consideration of Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. worldwide

1) Why is that when they are old enough to do something (like roll down the windows in the car) that they are not old enough to know why they shouldn't do it (because the car is travelling 60MPH and it's 30 degrees F outside)?

2) Why is it that they want to eat sandwiches instead of dinner, but don;t want to eat sandwiches when you want them to (like right now)?

3) Why is it that when you catch them doing something they know they aren't supposed to do they stop, look at you, and ask "What?" as if you didn't just see what they were doing the second before they noticed they were in their presence?

4) Why is it when you describe something in the most foul way possible (this looks like green tuna fish) that they pop up and come running, but when you say "Time for bed" they never hear you the first 12 times?

Counting Milestones

2007-01-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

Today Cat demonstrated her ability to add numbers from one to five.
1+1 = 2
2+2=4
4+4=8
5+5=10
Those she knows.
1+3=4
2+3=5
and all the rest she's learned to count her fingers.

Spy? Well Spy only counts the number of times Spy hits the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. with vacuum cleaner attachments while the AoD counts the number times Spy has turned over baskets and hampers. That number is now 5 which means Spy is averaging 1.25 turnovers per hour thus far today.

UPDATE: Make that 5.5 baskets and hampers as Spy attempted to knock over one, but nothing fell out. .5 for the attempt bringing the average to 1.375 per hour.

Lessons Learned: War

2007-01-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

Unable to find diplomatic solutions, The Princess, the Queen, and the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y went to War. All three began with near equal military numbers with the AoD only having one less division than his royal counterparts.

The Princess's force of was composed mostly of low ranking officers. They fought valiantly, but soon surrendered to the combined onslaught of the AoD and the Queen.

In the meantime, the Queen built a superior force with many high ranking officers and lots and lots of low ranking officers. As result, the AoD of was forced to fight a guerrilla war. The AoD used his high ranking officers to slowly engage and capture the forces of the Queen.

Battle after battle was fought. The Queen was armed with a vastly superior army. Battle weary, the AoD was down to less than 15 soldiers. The AoD announced to his soldiers that if they continued to fight the good fight and avoided heavy losses, it was possible to win the war through attrition.

The war waged on and on and on and on.

The Queen soon grew bored with war and surrendered to the guerrilla tactics of the AoD. All is once again peaceful in the land. The Queen and the Princess decided to seek out the Old Maid and Go Fishing

Becoming a Hero: The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. way

2007-01-15T08:11:00.000-08:00

There are many ways to become a hero. You can be jettisoned from an exploding planet and empowered by the yellow sun. You can watch your parents die and then spend your life training to wreak vengeance on cowardly scoundrels. You can be caught in the heart of gamma explosion. You could get bitten by a radioactive spider.

OR ...

You can have Captain Hysteria bring you one of many items that are now "boken." Once you receive the item, you then fix it to have the Good Captain exclaim "How you do that?!" and run off with a smile to toss the item aside and watch TV.

The Peace Process

2007-01-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

In House there are 2 very simple devices. These devices when placed in the right hands these devices have the power to establish peace throughout the land. These devices when placed in the wrong hands have the power to destabilize and other destroy all peace. They can change a benevolent oligarchy and into a tyrannical dictatorship.

These devices? The remote control to the TV and DVD player. Never keep Captain Hysteria without them.

A Conversaton with the Queen

2007-01-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

Trying to explain complicated concepts to the Queen is often simply futile. Today's futile explanation was skin grafts.

Skin grafts as explained by the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. are when skin is taking from one part of the body and are used to cover other parts of the body. The AoD also explained that some times skin grafts don't work the first time and have to be done again.

To all this Queen Elizabeth simply looked up and said, "Batteries." The AoD, of course, asked for clarification to which the Queen said, "If they change the batteries, then it will work."

Bed Time

2006-12-19T09:32:00.000-08:00

With the exception of the Spy formerly known as Captain Hysteria, the bedtime as passed by the Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. is 8:30PM Eastern Time. Or at least that's the working goal when circumstances do not conspired against the poor agents.

Queen Elizabeth has decreed that her bedtime is 30 o'clock when the big hand is on the 6.

The Name Game Part III

2006-12-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Let me be known across the land that Cat who was formerly known as Queen Elizabeth who was formerly known as Queen McKenzie of Kenzie has now decreed that Queen Elizabeth has returned. Anyone referring to her Majesty as Cat will be thoroughly reprimanded.

Proof Positive

2006-12-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

Ever since the trip to the place where the Clips are Great, the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. has been suspicious about the current Captain Hysteria. The AoD firmly believes that Home has been infiltrated by he who will now be known as Spy. The AoD formally submits the following as evidence.

1. Spy is a cry baby.
CH is known to attempt daring feats and very often he would fail and come running for first aid. Very rarely did, CH come crying unless there was visible blood. CH was fearless. CH could play Bite My Fingers for hours and never shed a tear.
Spy attempted to set up a tightrope with bungee cables. Spy tied one end to Fridge and the other end to Crate of Books. After several failed attempts to walk the tightrope, Spy jumped unto it and sent CoB flying to Floor. Spy came crying although nothing came anywhere near him.
Spy must be stopped.

2. Spy doesn't know the correct way to remove a diaper.
CH fully understand that to remove a diaper, you must grab one side and pull down with all your Hysterical strength unto the fastener separates from the diaper. Spy has no such knowledge. Spy grabs the diaper at the top center and attempts to force it straight down with no success.
Spy must be stopped.

Even with the evidence submitted the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. insists that Spy is really Captain Hysteria. AoM submitted the evidence that CH sat on the lap of the AoD as CH received his haircut. AoM further states that CH never left AoD's eyesight. AoD's dismisses all such reason with Powell's Razor.

For those unfamiliar with Powell's Razor, Powell's Razor is similar to Occam's Razor.

Occam's Razor postulates that "when given two equally valid explanations for a phenomenon, one should embrace the less complicated formulation."

Powell's Razors states that when given two wildly unequal explanations, one must embrace the one that is the most ridiculous, insane, most convoluted explanation.

Thus, this and the pictures are proof positive that CH has been replace by Spy. Let no one convince you differently.

Of Haircuts and Abductions

2006-12-12T06:46:00.000-08:00

As of yesterday morning, neither Cat nor Captain Hysteria had ever visited the land of Barber. It was agreed upon by the Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. that is was time to visit the place where the Clips are Great. Of course, before going the AoM took photos of Cat and the Good Captain.

Cat cheesing it up for the camera

The Good Captain and his curly locks

Upon returning home, these pictures were taken.

Cat After the Trip

the Good Captain After the Trip?

Although, the AoD was present for the entire trip it is his belief that:
1) $10 was paid and Cat came back the same
2) rather than cut the Good Captain's hair (and thus possible cause him to lose his Hysterical powers), the place where the Clips are Great decided that it would be easier to give the Good Captain the $10 and abduct a young cadet from a local military/ spy school.

For #1, you be the judge.
For #2, that school trains their cadets well. After many hours of questioning and monitoring along with the dreaded Tickle Torture, the cadet has yet to break character. The AoD is still monitoring the situation and thus far the young cadet displays all the powers and prowess of the Good Captain.

Conversation with the Queen

2006-12-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

While watching the Three Amigos during the part where they summon the Invisible Swordsman by the Singing Bush, the Queen began singing with the bus.

QM : He's a colly food fellow, o he's colly food fellow.
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. : What are you saying?
QM : He's a colly food fellow.
AoD : Colly food fellow?
QM : Yep, colly food fellow.
AoD : What's that?
QM : It's English.
AoD looking confused.
QM : You don't know it because it's only for kids like me and the Captain.

Then the singing stopped and the Queen continued to watch the movie.

According to guiness, He's a Jolly Good Fellow is the second most popular English song. Happy Birthday to You is #1 and Auld Lang Syne is #3.

The Name Game Part II

2006-11-29T12:21:00.000-08:00

Queen Elizabeth formerly known as Queen McKenzie has formerly declared that the Queen is now to be known as Cat.

The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. has concluded that the change from Elizabeth to Cat came about because Elizabeth has 9 letters, McKenzie has 8 letters, and Cat has but 3 letters. This is important to one learning to spell and write. However, the Queen would like everyone to know that Cat has no problem spelling McKenzie.

Captain Hysteria and the Black Cat

2006-11-28T17:22:00.000-08:00

In the peaceful days before the land of home was visited upon by Captain Hysteria, Queen McKenzie had just established the land of Kenzie. In the land of Kenzie, the Queen established a black pool of ooze that was of the Queen's making from the private black ooze belonging the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. And thus the black ooze came unto the land of Kenzie.

Every now and again, the AoD found that he had need of black ooze, so the AoD contacted his friend by the name of Dick Blick. Dick Blik informed the AoD that he had just the thing and this thing was called Black Cat.

The Black Cat has the ability to supply 1 pint of black ooze. As this was more black ooze than the AoD needed (and Captain Hysteria was now about), the AoD decided that he must protect the Black Cat from the Good Captain and the Queen. To protect the Black Cat, the AoD placed the Black Cat inside a pencil box. He then placed the pencil box inside a Rubbermaid container. he then placed the Rubbermaid container under the coffee table that is stuck in the far corner in the Headquarter shared by the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y and D.A.D.D.Y.

And thus the Black Cat lay only to be acknowledged when the AoD made his annual pilgrimages to the C.O.N.S. As the last pilgrimage to the C.O.N.S. was made in mid September, the Black Cat was lay in hibernation, awaiting it's next use.

This is where the Good Captain comes in.

The Good Captain decided that the Black Cat was lonely and with his Hysterical Sight, CH located the Black Cat in the pencil box in the Rubbermaid container under the coffee table in the far corner of the HSBtAoMaD. The Black Cat not used to the presence of the Good Captain was scared out of its wits and therefore spewed forth the entire pint of black ooze.

Here are the photos documents as taken by the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. and prepared by the AoD.

Clothing and bedding in the HSBtAoMaD

The Carpeted Ooze

Ooze Infested Corner of a Mattress in the HSBtAoMaD

Ooze Infested Captain Hysteria

Hysteria News

2006-11-27T19:59:00.000-08:00

There is one big event that happened recently that hasn't been reported yet. It's coming and for all you that doubt that the events are real, there are pictures.

However, for now the Hysteria news is that the Good Captain went pee pee in the potty.

Captain Hysteria announced that he had to go potty. This is an announcement that happens on a fairly regular basis as the Good Captain likes to play int he land of Bath. However, this time CH marched into the Land of Bath and dumped the Eyeliner of M.O.M.M.Y. into the Realm of Toilet. The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. rescued the EOM and CH climbed unto the Realm of Toilet (with his diaper still on). The AOD instructed CH to remove his diaper and CH then placed his diaper into the trash.

The Good Captain returned to the Realm of Toilet and the liquid did flow. After flushing the toilet and a series of high fives, The Good Captain went back to work dumping books onto the floor.

Conversations with the Queen

2006-11-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

Queen Elizabeth: D.A.D.D.Y., can I have some candy?
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. : No.
QE : Can I have a lollipop?
AoD : No.
QE : Can I have some candy?
AoD : No.

Repeat once and hour until the All Hallow's Eve candy is all gone or you are bat crazy insane.

The Flash

2006-11-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. would like to apologize to everyone emotionally scarred by Captain Hysteria's antics in the window. You see, the Good Captain was pulling at his diaper and thus an agent was dispatched to deal with the situation. The agent was not properly equipped for the situation. After the diaper was removed, the agent needed to reach for another diaper. The agent's head was turned for a second and the Good Captain dashed away and up into the window.

The agent is now taking measure to prevent such an event in the future.

All Hallow's Eve

2006-11-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

It was All Hallow's Eve and the Terrible Trio set forth to wreak havoc on the populace. The Trio chose clever costumes in order to protect their ever-so-secret identities. Princess Gwen became Geisha Girl. Queen Elizabeth became Alien, The Little Mermaid. Captain Hysteria became the Dread Pirate Hysteria.

With the disguises in place and the sun setting, the Trio set off. DPH jumped into his trusty Radio Flyer wagon now christianed the Hysterical Ship Revenge with GG and A the LM leading the way on foot.

The decision was made to hit up the local fire department. In year's past this is a source of candy just off the normal beaten path. This means that there is usually more candy as the fire department gets few visitors. However, this year there was just one lone person outside the fire department. He had no candy and (quite ironically) was smoking a cigarette. Thus the Trio moved on further off the beaten path in search of the ever-elusive candy.

Around the corner and down the road, the Trio found their first house with a light. With the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y, the Trio dashed across the street and up the steps to beg for candy. The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. was left behind to guard the Hysterical Ship Revenge. This mission was a success and back across the street the Trio came. With DPH back into the HSR down the street they went hitting one house after the next until...

Up to the step unto the porch they flew ...
KNOCK! KNOCK!
No answer.
"But there's a light," stated GG.
"Come on let's go to the next house," said the ever practical AoD.
"Here they come, you can see the kids in the window," said the AoM.
The door opens and out peeks a child.
"We have no candy," says the child.
And off the Trio went followed by the agents. Some one was heard quietly grumbling "... then you need to turn off your light."

After the adventure at the House with Lights but No Candy, the Trio went down the block and around the corner hitting up houses as they went along. When the Trio approached the House on the Corner, across the straight sat a couple in the dark behind their chain link fence. As the Trio returned from the House of the Corner, the couple in the dark behind their chain link fence doused their porch with light and smiled at the Trio. The AoD looked at the AoM. The agents shook their heads and moved along. If you want a visit from the Trio then you should not sit behind a CLOSED chain link fence in the DARK casually turning on the light when you were previously lurking menacingly in the dark. It's just spooky and weird.

After the experience with the Spooky and Weird Couple, the agents made the decision to join the beaten path where the multitudes swarmed. There the Trio blended in with all the other deviants out and about and also begging for candy. At this junction, DPH gave up on the HSR as it became a hindrance to his candy collecting ability to constantly hop in and out the ship. For 3 blocks, he mostly walked with a occasional voyage on the HSR and with only one shipwreck that spilled DPH and his booty unto the sidewalk.

There was another 3 blocks before DPH decided that his collected booty was enough and he climbed back into the HSR for the return journey. The ever-greedy GG and A the LM hit up all the houses on the return journey. The DPH hit up one more house for good measure before totally calling it quits for the night.

About midway back on the return journey, A the LM decided that it was time to visit the Land of Potty. A the LM announced that it was a visit that could not wait even though the Trio was still 8 blocks away from the Land of Potty and even though A the LM refused to visit the Land of Potty before leaving House. The AoD decided it was time to pick up the pace and finish up but A the LM and GG, not wanting to miss out on any candy, delayed the progress toward the Land of Potty by stopping at EVERY house along the way.

With a block left in the journey, AoD, Dread Pirate Hysteria, and the Hysterical Ship Revenge headed back to House while GG, A the LM, and AoM finished off the block. Apparently, DPH was unsatisfied with his booty or his mode of transportation, so upon arriving at House, DPH unboarded HSR and headed to White car Kirby (NOTE: WCK is not to confused with Kirby. Kirby is the red car and is always referred to as simply Kirby. WCK is a white car and is always referred as either White Car or White Car Kirby.) After a land battle with DPH, AoD bought down the pirate, separated him from his booty, docked the HSR, and made it into House just in time to see DPH strip out his garb and once again become simply Captain Hysteria.

Soon GG, A the LM, and AoM made their appearance. The 2 hour adventure was over. While GG took a bath and became Princess Gwen again, her Royal Majesty decreed that she was not going to take a bath (as she wanted a shower) and CH chomped down on the Tootsie Roll Pop that he successfully managed to steal from PG's pot. In the chaos, AoD prepared dinner while AoM separated the candy into gallon bags (yes gallon bags, there was much booty). In the trash went the unwrapped cookies and crap candies. (When will people learn that candy corn is not wanted and that no eats their baked cookies?)

Apparently, the Trio visited a dentist's house as there were sample toothpaste tubes and new toothbrushes. Those went into the medicine cabinet for later use. AoD was deeply disappointed as there were only 3 packages of the ever yummy Nerds and only a few pieces of Laffy Taffy yet there were millions and millions of Smarties AKA Crack for Kids.

The agents recently located a stash of Christmas 2005 candy, so that should get an idea of how long this stash will last. All the chocolate will disappear (with the help of AoM) within a week or so.

For those keeping track
2 hours of walking + $30 in costumes = 3 buckets of candy
The equation changes on All Saint's Day when the All Hallow's Eve candy goes on sale at 1/2 price (or less), and thus ...
15 minutes of walking + 5 minutes in line + 18 buckets of candy = $5

The Queen's Remote

2006-10-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

Queen McKenzie has become crazy with the power of the DVD remote control. Case in point: The Queen pauses DVDs when she has to stretch. As to not be considered too mad with power, the Queen walks over to the DVD player and pressed the play button on the machine to resume play.

Conversations with the Queen

2006-10-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

Queen Elizabeth IV : D.A.D.D.Y., why do rabbits lay eggs?

Agent of D.A.D.D.Y : They don't. The babies are born alive.

QE4 : I saw a rabbit lay eggs.

AoD : The Easter Bunny doesn't count.

QE4 : Uh huh, Yes it does.

Thus the proclamation went out all across the land : "Hear ye! Hear ye! By command of her highness, Queen Elizabeth IV of Kenzie, let it be known that all rabbit lay eggs like the Easter Bunny."

The Name Game

2006-10-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

Unbeknownst to Captain Hysteria, Queen McKenzie of Kenzie and Princess Gwen of Dolynn (but beknownst to their agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y.) each actually received a their middle name from a previous agent of M.O.M.M.Y. or D.A.D.D.Y.

PG's came from her agent of F.A.T.H.E.R's agent of M.O.T.H.E.R.

QM's came from her AoD's AoM who is named from her AoM's AoM and AoD. Coincidentally, the AoM's AoM's AoM also has the same name.

CH's came from his AoD who is name from his AoD who was named from his AoD.

Queen McKenzie has now declared herself Queen Elizabeth and would be officially Queen Elizabeth IV from the lineage of AoD (a cousin also has the name in respect to the AoD's AoM's AoM's AoM)

Some other name notes:
PG's AoF is named for his AoF.
AoM's oldest brother is name for her AoF.
AoD's sister is name for her AoM's AoM.
Of AoD's 7 uncles, 1 is named after his AoD and another takes a name from his AoM.
Of AoD's cousins 2 are name after their AoD's AoM's AoD. 3 are named for their AoD. 1 is named for their AoM's AoM's AoM.

Note: Any member of M.A.L.E can become a agent of F.A.T.H.E.R. Unfortunately, only a select few MoM become agents of D.A.D.D.Y. the same applies to members of F.E.M.A.L.E. and agents of M.O.T.H.E.R. and agents of M.O.M.M.Y.

Even more confusion?
Membership as an AoD, AoF, or AoM (both types) can switch due to time or circumstance.
AoM's (of both kind) can become Agents of G.R.A.N.D.M.O.M.M.Y. or Agents of G.R.A.N.D.M.O.T.H.E.R. both known as (AoGM) and can take on titles totally different from their official agency (this also applies to members of AoGD and AoGF). For instance CH, PG, and QM have Mommy (AoM), Mom (AoGM who also known as Nona), Mother (AoGGM), GrandMa (AoGM), and GrandMa C (AoGM). Up until August they also had a Nanny who was an Agent of G.R.E.A.T. G.R.A.N.D.M.O.M.M.Y.(AoGGM). And it's to her and Pap (and agent of G.R.E.A.T. G.R.A.N.D.D.A.D.D.Y.) and Pa Pa Larry (AoGF) and all the other former greats (and grands) out there that we dedicate this post

And that is the name game so that we never forget those that came before us.

The Great Escape

2006-10-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

Every morning, Princess Gwen makes her way to the Kingdom of School escorted by Queen McKenzie and the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. and Captain Hysteria watches in his Tarzan gear (a diaper) from the front window with a barely conscious Agent of D.A.D.D.Y.

Today,the AoD was especially groggy having been ousted from his bed by the Queen and CH. As the AoM left with the Queen and Princess in tow, CH took his daily vigil at the front window and then there was silence.

Suspecting that the good Captain was up to his usual shenanigans, the AoD walks into the room and notes that CH is missing and the front door is slightly ajar. Peering through the window, the AoD see CH in his Tarzan gear darting across the street and down the sidewalk chanting "M.O.M.M.Y.". The AoD bursts into action and out the door and down the stairs. It is only when the AoD catches the good Captain and takes in the morning chill that he realizes that he has darted out the house and down the street is his boxers and t-shirt.

A report was filed and delivered to the AoM and now all door locks are double checked by the AoD.

Gloves

2006-10-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

Princess Gwen of Dolynn loves her gloves. She loves them so much that she wears them inside the house and all about. When Princess Gwen visits the Kingdom of School that gloves are often left behind (and let's face it. It's October and still 80+ degrees and knit gloves are not needed). When the gloves are left behind, sometimes ... just sometimes, they become part of Captain Hysteria's wardrobe. This is what happens ....

CH visits the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. with one glove covering his right hand. (CH favors his left hand so his right hand is often the subject of cruel pranks carried out by the left hand.) The glove covering his right hand has 1 finger and a thumb in the thumb and 2 fingers in the index finger. The AoD correts this problem and CH is off.

CH returns holding the left glove in his left hand. On it goes and CH is off. CH returns with both gloves off. The AoD replaces them and CH is off. CH returns with both gloves off once again. The AoD replaces them and CH is off. It takes longer to place the gloves on CH's fingers than it takes from him to run away, remove them, and come back.

CH returns with .... socks. No gloves this time, just socks and CH wants them on his hands. On one goes and CH wonders where the little fingers went as it has now been replaced with a paw. On goes the second one and CH complains because the line on the socks isn't correctly running across his fingers. The AoD moves it around and please the dear Captain and he's off.

2 seconds later, the good Captain returns for a drink ... no socks,no gloves, just little fingers holding a cup waiting for a cold red drink of black cheery goodness.

Making PB&J: The Queen's Method

2006-09-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

Making a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a relative simple and mundane task for us commoners. However, when you are Queen McKenzie everything must be a royal spectacle... even the mundane. So in recent months (okay about 6-7 months now) Queen McKenzie has sought to become independent of the Agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. (AoMaD) The first step of independence ... learn to make your own grub. Queen McKenzie therefore took up the fine art of making the PB&J. To make a PB&J the Queen's way you:

1) Get the Bread. As you are the Queen, the AoMaD hove made your life (and theirs) easier by placing the bread within your limited reach. However, since you are the Queen, you must have your bread TOASTED! This means that the toaster must be within your limited reach as well and thus the AoD made it happen.

2) Bet the Peanut Butter. Additionally, the AoMaD have made their lives easier by placing the PB within the Queen's limited reach. Although this sometimes results in huge messes when Captain Hysteria steals away to his Fortress of Solitude and shoves handfuls of PB into his mouth, this is a calculated risk to make their lives easier.
Note: The AoMaD are smart and placed the bread and PB in the same location.

3) Put the Bread in the Toaster. You'd think this would be part of step one, but according to the Queen this can only be done after you have secured the PB and before you have secured the J.

4) Get the Jelly. This is where things can go awry as the Queen DOES NOT have the jelly. Only commoners such as Princess Gwen, Captain Hysteria or the AoMaD can get the jelly. We will show you the path of most resistance ... Queen McKenzie commands CH to get the jelly.

5) Visit the land of Bath. Commoners would handle all their business in the land of Bath before assembling the beginnings of PB&J, but not the Queen. She must visit the land of Bath after assembling the ingredients and BEFORE putting the ingredients together.

6) Yell for CH to Get the Jelly. With the business in the land of Bath completed, the Queen discovers that CH is still silently eating his cereal. This is unacceptable as the jelly is still in the Fridge so once again CH must receive his orders.

7) Demand Satisfaction from the AoD. Since CH has not given in to the demands of the Queen is is now time to seek justice in the AoD tribunal. The AoD judgment is not to the satisfaction of the Queen and thus the Queen begins to loudly ...

8) Complain About CH not Getting the Jelly. The Queen then just begins to loudly talk to no one about how CH NEEDS to get the jelly.

9) CH silently finishes his cereal. CH must do this for 8) to end and 10) to begin

10) Complain to AoD about CH being finished with his cereal and still not getting the jelly. The AoD once again does not side with the Queen because it's the Queen's sandwich and thus the Queen should get the jelly.

11) Demand CH get the Jelly. The Queen, of course, would rather eat nothing than get the Jelly.

12) CH get the Jelly. In a stunning turn of event CH silently gets up and get Jelly.

13) Forget where you placed the bread. While the Queen is doing 6-8, the Bread pops out of the toaster and the Queen grabs it. This means the Queen now has it as she walks around doing 8. This also means that the Queen places the bread (now toast) down and doesn't remember where.

14) Get advice from Princess Gwen. Never to be left out Princess Gwen now enters with her advice. "It's in the toaster!" PG shouts from the land of Dolynn.

15) The shout back. Of course, PG wasn't privy to Step 13 so the Queen must shout back "No, it isn't." occasionally the shout back is coupled with an additional dummy, stupid or other phrase that causes the AoD to step in.

16) Consult the AoD on the Status of the Toast. After the exhaustive 2 second search for the toast (formerly bread), the Queen then consults with the AoD. The AoD in most instances was filling out paperwork, chasing CH, cleaning up after CH, or otherwise busy and thus is not much help.

17) Discover the Toast. Not being satisfied with the AoD's response, the Queen sighs and looks on the table and sees .... the TOAST. The toast was hidden by a strange colorless gas known as air which rendered the toast visible only to everyone but the one looking for it AKA the Queen.

18) Put the PB&J on the Toast. This is a simple task that requires 12 trips into both jars, 1 lick of the retrieval utensil between each trip and 10-30 minutes.

19) Demand CH put the Jelly up. CH got it out so CH should put it up, but the Queen opens the Fridge for CH.

20) Declare yourself full and give the sandwich to the AoD. The Queen is all the sudden full and no longer wants the PB&J (see step 18 for the answer to why). The AoD is awarded the newly completed sandwich.

That's how to make a PB&J in 20 easy steps.

Hysterical Games : Bite My Finger

2006-09-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

Captain Hysteria has a regular set of games that he likes to play. One of those games is Bite My Finger. This is the way a typical game of Bite My Finger goes.

CH comes running at you full speed. CH stops just short of knocking you over. CH then raises his arms and hops, so that you bend over and pick him up. Now that CH is on your level, CH points his index finger at you and says, "Bite My Finger?"

Like any sane person you say, "No." Then CH repeats, "Bite My Finger?" and shoves his finger to your mouth. You pretend to bite his finger and then he screams, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"

Next, CH says, "Bite My Finger," but does not point at you with his finger. This is your cue to stick your finger in his mouth. It's a reciprocal game. However, while you pretended to bite his finger, CH clamps down on your finger with all his Hysterical might and doesn't let go until you scream bloody murder.

After you remove your now bite riddled, you are more cautious in the future. However, there is no avoiding the game as CH is a crafty little devil and will spring the game often with no prior warning. Once the game is sprung, you have no other course of action but to accept a bite riddled finger.

Invincible?

2006-09-05T05:18:00.000-07:00

Contrary to popular belief, Captain Hysteria is not invincible or impervious to harm. He doesn't even have a healing factor. He's like Batman just an ordinary Joe who seeks adventure. The problem with being an adventure seeker is that every now and then, you find yourself in harm's way. If you're CH, do you harm yourself in the myriad of adventures that you find yourself in?

Nope!

Jump of a 3 feet table? Land on your feet and keep running.
Drop a 1 pack of soda pop on your uncovered toes? Walk it off without any trouble.

Trip during your (week) daily scheduled pick-up of Princess Gwen? Yep, you skin your knee and cry bloody murder for 10 minutes. Later as it starts to heal and you pull off the scab ... you run screaming, "I'm bweeding, I'm bweeding, M.O.M.M.Y. " This, of course, earns you 2 adhesive strips (one to cover the abrasion, the other to cover the non-abrased knee).

A week later, you will then casually scrape that knee and all the royalty in the land will come running exclaiming that you're bleeding badly and otherwise be genuinely concerned about the scrape that has barely produced a trickle of the hemoglobin laced fluid. You will then solicit sympathy and milk the scrape for all it's worth before doing something more mundane ... like watch a Little People's DVD before planning your adventures for the day.

Warding Off Vampires (Appeasing the Guy with Toys and Gadgets)

2006-09-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

A certain Guy who has Toys and Gadgets registered a complaint with an agent of M.O.M.M.Y. about the brevity of the latest entry. That complaint was sent onto an agent of D.A.D.D.Y. and after passing through all the bureaucracy has finally made it back to me. Thus I bring you ...

WARDING OFF VAMPIRES

It was learned today that one Captain Hysteria's many obligations is apparently ward off vampires. As we know there are many ways to ward off vampires such as moving water (vampires can't cross moving water), crucifixes (and perhaps other religious symbols), and garlic (yep garlic). CH has chosen garlic as his means of warding off vampires and he's aided and abetted by a certain pizza delivery chain that shall be known as Papas (Papas has no affiliation with the D.A.D.D.Y.).

You see, Papas packs each and every pizza with its fabulous extra strength garlic sauce (ESGS) because Papas knows that garlic is truly the only way to effectively ward off vampires and Papas is secretly is cahoots with CH. The agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. have no knowledge of the existence of vampires and thus conspire to keep the ESGS out of the hands of the good Captain. The good Captain does not let that top him.

Recently, the AoD placed an order for 3 medium pizzas from Papas. Of course, those 3 pizzas came with 1 sauce each.

At lunch time, Sauce #1 stayed inside the box never to used by the good Captain.

Later (at dinner time), CH refused to eat his pizza with the sauce and insisted on having the entire little cup. Not being completely incompetent, the AoD realized that CH would spill the contents of Sauce #2 all over the place. To appease the good Captain the AoD placed Sauce #2 into a much larger plastic container greatly decreasing CH's ability to make a mess. After successfully dunking the edge of his pizza sauce into the sauce twice, CH decided that a paper towel would be a more effective way of tool for removing the sauce from the plastic container and he was correct. The paper towel successfully soaked up the entirely of the ESGS and off the good Captain streaked spreading the ESGS goodness into KidRoom with the AoD right on his heels.

Now Sauce #3 made into the next day unused and with pizza #3 finished, Sauce #3 was discarded with the pizza box. Later, CH silently retrieved Sauce #1 and crept silently into KidRoom. The machinations of CH was discovered when the smell of ESGS begin to permeate KidRoom and float into ComputerRoom. The AoM was the first agent to respond and quickly called on the AoD. The agents discovered an empty container that formerly contained Sauce #3. What happened to Sauce #3? Apart from a small stain on the carpet of KidRoom, no trace of the remaining ESGS was discovered. The report filed by the agents concluded that CH consumed the ESGS and which added HysteriaBreath to his already impressive array of powers.

To date, no vampires have been discovered in close proximity to KidRoom so either CH and Papas are effective in there ongoing battle against the vampires or both are completely delusional and are simply conspiring in mischief, you be the judge.

KenzieSpeak

2006-08-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

Beaver
an increased body temperature

used in a sentence
Does Captain Hysteria need medicine because he has a beaver?

Divine Justice

2006-08-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

Princess Gwen and Queen McKenzie were sent to bed. Minutes later the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. hears scurrying in the darkness that has shrouded Kidroom. The AoD goes to investigate. AoD sees the Queen scurrying back into the Land of Dolynn. The Princess is soon located on the side of the Shelf.

You see, the top of Shelf is about 7 feet of the floor and thus where banned items are stored. Bankets, puppets, pillows ... right now they are all on Shelf's top. This is what the Royal Duo were after. Back to the tale of divine justice....

As the AoD stood there staring at the Princess, the Princess, hanging there from the side of Shelf, began rapidly spitting out her tale of woe while attempting to climb down in the darkness.

BOOM!

The Princess fell the remaining 3 feet to the floor and on top of the toys that the Royal Duop neglected to pick up before going to bed.

That, my friends, is divine justice.

No Shoes. No Shirt. No Bye-Bye.

2006-07-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Captain Hysteria has developed an interesting habit. You see, CH spends most of his time inside dressed only in his Hysteria Loincloth (HL aka diaper). When CH decides that it's time to leave the relative security (air conditioning) of the House and venture outside, CH grabs a shirt and his shoes and demands to be dressed. Once CH is dressed in said shirt and shoes (no pants), CH then runs to the door. CH then grabs at the doorknob and/or waits for the door to be opened. If an attempt is made to shove CH into pants or to otherwise cover his HL, CH runs away.

This is the prospect that yo face every time, it's time to go bye-bye.

War!

2006-07-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

Queen McKenzie and Princess Gwen are at war. The war began because the Princess declared that they were to play dolls and the Queen declared they were to play Beanie Babies. An Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. was dispatched and negotiated a ceasefire. The terms of the ceasefire stated that the Queen was to return to the Land of Kenzie and the Princess to the Land of Dolynn until such time they were able to co-exist peacefully.

10 minutes later they were co-existing peacefully and then ...
The Pretend War began. The Pretend War was started when the Queen declared that no one could have more than oen pretend pet. The Princess declared that she could have as many pretend pets as she wished (in this case 2).

The AoD sulked.
How does the Queen know how many pretend pets another person has? Is there a pretend pet registry?
Why did the Princess announce that she had more than one?

It's going to be a LOOOOOONG day.

The Importance of Naps

2006-07-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

Captain Hysteria requires a daily nap. No matter what CH tells you, he requires a daily nap. If you are smart this daily nap will occur before 4PM. If you are lucky and it doesn't occur before 4PM, maybe when CH passes out at 8PM ... maybe just maybe he will sleep through the night. However, if you are an agent of D.A.D.D.Y. then you are never lucky and this means that the CH misses his nap and then goes down at 7PM. If CH goes down at 7PM, then CH will be revitalized by 9PM (if you're lucky) or 10PM (if you're just really, really unlucky).

Yesterday, CH mussed his midday nap and was down at 7PM.
This, of course, meant he was back up and on the move afer 10PM. That means he's full of Hyper Hysterical Energy. This means that the AoD was in for a long night.

Captain Hysteria was down for the count by 1:30 AM.

During this time....

CH visited the Agent of M.O.M.M.Y. as the AoM slumbered and emptied her purse (three times).

CH climbed the counter and threw the spices on the floor (two times).

CH ran around the room in circles (too many times to count).

CH climbed the AoM's computer chair (120 times).

CH pushed over the AoM's computer chair (121 times).

CH pushed the antenna off the TV (7 times).

CH climb the computer room table (351,673 times).

CH knocked over the playpen of toys (1 time).

CH climbed on the microwave table (85 times).

All this would be enough to put a normal child to sleep. However, not CH. To top off his night's adventures he decided to pit his Hysterical Strength against the AoM's Impervious Eye Glasses. While the AOMIEG won the battle, they did walk away unscathed as the Hysterical Strength was strong enough to twist them into a W shape with the lenses at a right angle.

While the AoD informed the AoM about the state of the AOMIEG, CH topped off his night by dousing the computer table with bug spray.

The destruction that the good Captain wrought has now been cleansed. The AOMIEG were successfully adjusted back to their previous shape (at no cost; adjustments are free) by the kind folks a Lenscrafters.

Today the good Captain had a nap before 3:30PM, so all should be safe in the land tonight.

Conversations with the Captain

2006-07-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

This morning Captain Hysteria was standing in one of the computer chairs. It was turned around so he was looking over the back. The Queen and Princess were sitting on the floor playing with something they shouldn't. The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. stood up, leaned onto the back of the chair and the conversation began.

Captain Hysteria : D.A.D.D.Y., hungry!
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. : What do you want?
Queen McKenzie : Cereal!
AoD : I know you want cereal, what does CH want? What do you want, CH?
CH looks around.
CH : Basket!
CH climbs down the chair and looks for a DVD to watch.
He got cornflakes in a bowl. Although the agent did consider placing the cornflakes into a basket rather than the bowl.

This Side Up

2006-07-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

The Queen McKenzie of Kenzie was visiting the land of Bath w hen she found herself needing assistance from the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. "D.A.D.D.Y?" she said. "D.A.D.D.Y, my panties are too tight." Thinking that she simple puller up her panties too quickly (resulting in the dread pantie roll-up), the AoD rose from his seat to aid the Queen.

Upon closer inspection, the agent determined that not only was their panty roll-up, the Queen was wearing her panties with the leg hole placed snuggly around her waist.

There is a ton of money to be made in the 2-5 year underwear market for the first manufacturer to produce undies with a simple arrow on the front that points up towards the waist. All the underear manufacturers need to stop making bikinis and thongs for pre-teens and start making useful underwear.

Conversation with the Captain

2006-07-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Captain Hysteria : My eyes, D.A.D.D.Y! My eyes!
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. : ???
CH : The closet!

Captain Hysteria runs off to play.
You didn't really expect something logical, did you?

The Pairing

2006-07-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the lines, Captain Hysteria and the girls managed to pick up a Tom and Jerry DVD. This DVD includes the Tom and Jerry Movie along with several shorts. The shorts became the subject of discussion between Queen McKenzie and the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. The shorts are titled The Invisible Mouse and Just Ducky. Thus the conversation goes as follows:

QM : Daddy, I want to see the Pairing.
AoD: The Pairing? What's that?
QM: The Paring?
AoD: What's the pairing?
QM: The Pairing ... with the paint?
AoD: Huh?
QM: The Pairing ... it has the paint to make the mouse disappear.

Yes, the Pairing is apparently Kenziespeak for diasppearing and is thus ... The Invisible Mouse!

The Spoon

2006-07-08T06:21:00.000-07:00

This morning Captain Hysteria decided to torment Queen McKenzie with the Spoon. The Spoon is a black plastic utensil somewhere between a spoon and a ladle. Every now and then the Captin locates this weapon and uses it to even the odds. Today, the Queen came running to the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. crying because CH was hitting her with the Spoon. The Agent told CH to stop hitting people with the Spoon. CH looked at the Agent and hit himself in the head with the Spoon.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch," the Captain exclaimed as he continued to pummel himself with the Spoon.

The Agent shook his head. It was to be a long day as it's only 9 AM.

The Perfect Wipe

2006-06-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

The Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. took it upon himself to do a follow-up on Queen McKenzie visit to the Land of Bath wherein the AOD found unused TP torn from the roll and discarded upon the floor. Thus the Queen was brought in for questioning.

AOD: Why is there TP on the floor in the Land of Bath?
QM: It's was torn.
AOD: That's because you tore it.
QM: No, it's torn.
The Queen runs over a picks up several discarded sheets and brings them over for closer inspection and gives them to the AOD.

You see, the Queen was in search of the perfect wipe, so every piece that did not tear along the perforation was deemed unworthy and thus tossed to the floor. Royalty demands perfection.

The Return to Greyskull

2006-05-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Queen McKenzie decided that today was the day to watch Thundarr the Barbarian. Captain Hysteria is not a bug fan of Thundarr, so the Agent of D.A.D.D.Y. suggested He-Man. Just the other day the Queen requested to see the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special (or She-Ra and He-Man, as she calls it). The Queen, of course, protested against He-Man, but after the first 2 episodes the Queen could be seen running around the house proclaiming:

By the power of Greyskull!

I am He-Man Girl!

The Best of She-Ra will be shipping this summer and is currently available on Amazon.com. It is being produced by the same group that did the He-Man DVDs. Look all the episodes of She-Ra for follow along with the remaining He-Man episodes.

To reduce inventory on Warmageddon Illustrated #1, they are now availalble at only 75¢.

Conversations

2006-05-21T15:32:00.000-07:00

Agent of D.A.D.D.Y: Queen McKenzie, please sit up so Captain Hysteria will stop sitting on your face.

Of cats and other furry things

2006-05-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

You know how cats rest on the top of chairs with one set of legs on one side and the other on the opposite side?
Captain Hysteria does the same thing on the computer chair. there would be pictures, but:
1) CH loves cameras so the minute one is picked up CHJ tries to grab it.
2) The minute the seated person rises to get the camera, the balance of the chair shifts and CH end up on tumbling to the floor.

One of these days he will fall asleep in this position and then there will be pictures.

Warmageddon the Seven

2006-04-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

Why no updates?
See that link on the side? No not the first one, the second one ...
Yeah, that's Warmageddon. It's the fanatsy comic that I created. Lately, it'd been sucking away my free time, so there haven't been any posts here.

The latest Warmageddon proejct is Warmageddon: the Seven and it's part of a small press contest. Drop over to the contest and check it out at : www.warmageddon.com/idol/?where=capthys

If you like what you see, then take the time to register and place a YES vote for the Seven.

Next time ... more Hysteria.

Cheese, Spice and Everything Hysteria

2006-04-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

Captain Hysteria woke up today with a new goal. CH's goal for today was Paramesan Cheese. You see CH has a great burning desire to consume PC but the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. have always been mostly successful in thwarting CH's desire to get to the yummy goodness within the green container.

So the Good Captain began this morning with a secret jaunt into the land of Fridge where he silently retrieved the PC and sat silently consuming the yummy goodness within. It was soon that the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. noticed the absence of noise and discovered the Good Captain face planted in a pile of PC. The PC was secreted back to the land of Fridge with about 1/2 it's contents.

The Good Captain then laid low for a couple hours before trying once again. This time he took his yummy cheese goodness into the headquarters of M.O.M.M.Y. There on the bed he emptied the entire remaining contents on the bed. When discovered by the agent of D.A.D.D.Y, the Good Captain was covered in PC and the poor green container was tossed to the wayside. CH was, of course, taken away kicking and screaming before the agent vacuumed the PC goodness away.

Hours later, the Good Captain was seen standing on the counter in the land of Kitchen washing down the PC with a good dose of Cinny Mon. The agent crept up behind him and snatched away the cinny goodness before setting the good Captain back upon the ground.

Having been thwarted in his Cinny Mon goal, the Goal Captain decided to have the final word by visiting the land of Fridge and stealing the last spoonful of cream cheese and tossing into some crevice in the sleepy darkness of Kidroom while being chased by the good agent. Now the cream cheese remains hidden in the darkness until the morrow when it will no doubt be found with all its rotten stinkiness.

The Good Captain now content in the mischief that he has managed settled down with a nice Shel Silverstein book before commencing to complain about the lack of liquid in his cup.

The Queen's New Groove

2006-04-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

The agents have finally gotten around to replacing old VHS movie with new DVDs. One such replacement was Disney's The Emperor's New Groove. Now the VCR has been non-functioning for months (if not years). In fact, it's been so long that Captain Hysteria and company have forgotten some of the movies that exist only on VHS.

Now that we have the movie, Queen McKenzie has gotten her groove back. QM nows runs around the house shouting ...

"Boom, baby!"

My Cheese

2006-04-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

As previously reported, Captain Hysteria now has the ability to open the interior doors. This gives the good Captain access to the Land of Bath. CH's favorite activity in the Land of Bath (after bathing, splashing in the toilet, and some times bathing in the toilet) is brushing his teeth.

To brush his teeth, the good Captain must first climb unto the sink. CH then grabs his brush and opens up the medicine cabinet (which holds no medicine) . From the medicine cabinet, CH extracts the Paste of Tooth. The PoT is then rubbed unto the brush and he proceeds to brush his teeth complete with spitting. CH however is standing on the sink as he spits and thus all the spittle lands on the medicine cabinet mirror.

Upon completion, CH is unable to climb down fromt he sink and thus an agent must be sent to retrieve the good Captain. Why the good Captain is unable to climb down from the sink after brushing his teeth is a mystery as he able to climb down on eveyr other occassion. The agents believe it's becaause he like showing off his fine spittle work on the mirror.

After being free from the sink (and after the agent cleans up the spittle work), the good Captain can be seen running around with a big old smile. CH will then run up to everyone exclaiming "Look! My Cheese."

Conversations with the Queen: Ice

2006-04-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Agent of D.A.D.D.Y: Queen McKenzie, your ice is melting.
Queen McKenzie: I don't care, I'm saving it for later.

QM then walks over and gets the ice off the paper towel and puts it in her mouth.

QM: My paper towel is wet.
AOD: That's because your ice melted.
QM: No it didn't I ate it.

AOD just shakes his head and instructs QM to place the paper towel in the trashcan. Surprisingly, she does this with no debate.

Conversations with the Captain

2006-03-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

Captain Hysteria jumped into the lap of the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. and gives the agent a couple kisses. This usually means trouble,but today it meant a 5 minute conversation.
CH: Where's M.O.M.M.Y.?
AOD: At Work ...
CH: Where's M.O.M.M.Y.?
AOD: At Work ...
CH: Where's M.O.M.M.Y.?
AOD: At Work ...
CH: Where's M.O.M.M.Y.? Where's M.O.M.M.Y.?
AOD: At Work ...
CH: Where's M.O.M.M.Y.? Where's M.O.M.M.Y.? Where's M.O.M.M.Y.?
AOD: At Work ...

(repeat for 5 minutes)
and then there was a pause for commercials followed by

CH: Where's M.O.M.M.Y.? Where's M.O.M.M.Y.? Where's M.O.M.M.Y.?

and a dash to the Land of Bath. Was it ever mentioned that CH can now open the doors to all the lands of House? Well he can so closing the doors is but a minor delay now.

Currently, CH is harassing the dread menace that is Computer of M.O.M.M.Y.

Ashley! Ashley!

2006-03-28T15:32:00.000-08:00

Nothing is more fun than a game of Ring Around the Rosie and of course you know how the rhyme goes:
ring around the rosie
a pocket full of posies
ashley, ashley
we all fall down

exactly who Ashley is, Queen Mckenzie has yet to inform us, but she will vehemently tell you that it is indeed Ashley and not ashes.

Massive, Massive

2006-03-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

Here is where I would usually go on about the misadventures of my children. But today, I just can't. Today I weep.

This morning I was awakened by a call from my mother stating that my father aneurism burst and that he was on his way to UNC hospital. I called the hospital and was told that he had a MASSIVE, massive stroke. When my mother and I arrived at the hospital and viewed the CAT scan of his head, there was so much pressure from the blood in his skull his brain (which is normally wrinkled) was smooth. The only thing keeping alive in the artificial respiration machine. We've all seen him and sometime later today (Monday 27 March 2006), they will disconnect the machine and my father will be no more. He is 53.

I'm not going to lie an say that my father was the greatest person on this earth because he was not ... but in the end he is my father ... my Dad ... we are his legacy ...

... and I weep because my children will never know him. They will never know his flaws (and he had many) but most of all they will never know the love that he had for them.

With that, I hope to return the brevity and humor that graced this blog, but until I return with more news about Captain Hysteria, Queen McKenzie, Princess Gwen, and the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. ... be sure to take the time to spend with your family. We all just get a lifetime, so maximize the time you have with those you love.

Rest In Peace

Larry Ben Walton

24 Feb 1953 - 27 Mar 2006

All Gone! All Gone!

2006-03-21T11:07:00.000-08:00

In her infinite wisdom, the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. went out and purchased string cheese. A nice 24 pack of single sticks of skim mozzarella cheese. The thought was that since Captain Hysteria likes sliced (cheddar) cheese then maybe he will like these easy to hold cheese sticks.

Mistake #1: They are not cheddar.
Mistake #2: They are not that tasty.

Observation #1: Queen McKenzie doesn't like them. However, everytime CH or Princess Gwen wants one, QM must receive one and take one bite before saying "I don't like it" or "I don't want it."
Observation 2: CH doesn;t really like them, but they make for a great new toy until they break and he requests a new one.
Observation #3: PG is the only one that like them and will not eat one that the others have bitten a piece off of or played with.
Observation #4: They don't melt very well and thus can't be used for pizza or any other cooking purpose.

So today CH got a hankering for a cheese stick which means ... yep, QM wants one as well. 2 mintues later the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. steps on CH's discarded toy and tosses it into the trash. CH then grabs another one which the agent splits in half. CH tosses them into the trash (apparenlty they were not tall enought o play with). QM has now decided that she doesn't want hers so it's handed to CH who then flings in across the room. It too goes into the trash.

CH then dashes to get yet another one... but there are no more. CH looks at the agent and begins to dance as he chants "no more".

ULTIMATE RESULT OF THE STRING CHEESE EXPERIMENT:
PG consumed 4-6.
The agents consumed 3-4.
3 were rendered useless by attempting to melt them.
The rest made their way to the trash can or are still in hiding.

LESSON LEARNED:
Don't buy string cheese sticks.

Conversations with the Queen: The I King Movie

2006-03-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

Queen McKenzie: I want to watch the I King movie.
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y: The Lion King?
QM: No the I King movie where I King chokes his girlfriend.
AOD: ?
QM: The I King movie we watched the other day where I King chokes his girlfriend 'cause he's bad.

LATER after figuring out what movie it was, but not telling QM the title ...
AOD: What are you watching?
QM: The I King Movie.
AOD: What's the name of the movie?
QM: Star Wars. It's the I King Movie.

Of the movie is Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. The I King (Anakin) movie where he chokes his girlfriend (wife, Padme) because he has turned bad (been seduced by the darkside).

Catching Up

2006-03-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

It's been about a month since the last post. That means it's catch up time.

Princess Gwen
Not much has changed with Princess Gwen.

Queen McKenzie
The Queen now insists that she accompanies the Princess on the (week) daily trek to school in the morning. Now every morning in addition with fussing with the Princess to get her off to school, the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. must also deal with the moody Queen. This morning with 50+ degree weather the Queen decreed that she was to wear her fuzzy almost knee high boots.

As of this morning, the Queen has pass yet another milestone. She can now tie her own shoes!

Captain Hysteria
The Captain entered the Terrible Twos (March 2). Nothing much has changed as he entered the TTs from the moment he could walk (9 months). However, now he has mastered the ability to turn doorknobs on all the doors (expect the front and back entrances) so there are no real barriers to him any longer.

The agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. still manage to stave off the madness that comes with caring for CH, QM and PG. ME? I plan to update you on the everlasting antics on a more regular basis.

Conversations with the Queen

2006-02-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

At Lunch
Queen McKenzie: I'm hungry. I want a peanut butter jelly sandwich.
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y.: Okay
QM: I want my bread toast.
AoD: Okay
QM: I want 2 jellies.
AoD: 2 jellies?
QM: Jelly Jelly. No peanut butter.

While watching He-Man and the Masters of the Universe Season 1 Volume 2 Disk 4 (of 6)
QM: I'm He-Man girl.
AoD: Huh?
QM: Some people call me He-Man girl and some call me Kenzie.
AoD: Okay
QM: You can call me Kenzie.
AoD: Okay, Kenzie.

The Center for Disease Spread

2006-02-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that schools are not really learning institutions, but centers for the spread of disease. People send their sick kids to school where the sickness incubates and finds its way to another kid and then another and then another. Eventually, the sickness finds its way to Princess Gwen who then shares it with Captain Hysteria and Queen McKenzie. Usually from there it goes to the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. while the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. gets a much much milder case of it and ends up in the trenshes with the outbreak monkeys fighting to contain the sickness.

Whatever it is that the Center for Disease Spread has let lose this time involves coughing and sneezy and phlegm and runny noses and a fever. The Princess had the cough and the runny nose. The Queen has it all, but the fever and CH has received everything and top it off with a daily dose of Captain Phlegm Vomit.

Thus far the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. has a mild case which his superduper highly advanced immune system is fighting off even with the constant barrage of face coughing from the Queen and CH.

The Princess is now mostly well after being sent home early from school on Friday with a fever.

The Queen is her usual rambunctious self with occasional pauses for coughing and a underlying layer of crankiness due to not getting good rest due to coughing fits during the night. The Queen insists that the agents feed her soup because she is sick. The agents thus far has yet to comply with the request.

CH is lethargic. He just lays down anywhere so he has been given his cup to keep him hydrated and a pillow and he lays on the pillow watching He-Man Season 1 Volume 2. CH is silently fighting off the intruders to the Hysteria Fortress of Solitude with occasional breaks to expel the vermin via his mighty Hysteria nostrils.

The agent of M.O.M.M.Y. seems to have escaped the infestation thus far, but I'm sure she'll manage to fight it off until CH, QM and PG are well and then the cycle will begin again.

Here Lurks the Decapitator and the Delegulator

2006-02-13T14:53:00.000-08:00

The snack for today was animal crackers. Captain Hysteria and Queen McKenzie both received a handful of animal crackers in a bowl. Captain Hysteria promptly chomped off all the heads and placed the animals back in the bowl. The Queen promptly chomped off all the legs before finishing off the poor crackers. CH left his bowl. About 30 minutes later the Queen discovered the bowl of headless animals and asked to eat them. CH walks over to her, looks in the bowl and pushes it towards the Queen. The Queen ate them.

Later, the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. got a handful of animal crackers for himself. Instantly, CH appears and was given one animal cracker. When the agent returned to his office, there sitting in front of his keyboard was ...

... a headless giraffe!

Lilo

2006-02-12T09:55:00.000-08:00

When the average person looks at the image above they see Lilo and Stitch as both are clearly featured in the image. Captain Hysteria, however, has a strange fascination with Lilo. .He only sees her and only cares about her. As far as he is concerned, Lilo is the only thing that matters. Right now looking at the screen, he's shouting Lilo! Lilo! Lilo! or rather Lee-Yo! Lee-Yo! Lee-Yo!

Join the Disney Movie Club. Your kids will love you ... and you'll get 30-90 minutes of sanity while they watch the movies.

Talk

2006-02-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

Until children begin to talk, you want them to talk because it will be easier to figure out what they want. What the handbooks do not tell you is that fromt he time they can speak so they no longer need translation (roughly 3.5-4 years of age), they then don't stop... ever ... unless they are sleep or causing mayhem. The key place that they never stop talking is the car. So you get conversations like this ....

Queen McKenzie: I talk to much.
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y.: Why don't you rest?
QM: 'cause I like talking
AoD: That's a good reason.
QM: What you say? I can't hear you because you are driving.

OR like this

QM: Is this Strawberry Shortcake (referring to the new Happy Meal toy)?
AoD: No, it's Tea Blossom Teapot.
QM: What you say? I can't hear you because you are driving.

Tarzan?

2006-02-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

The relocation of the trashcan from the back to the side of the road is a weekly activity. It's a weekly activity that no one really wants to do. The agent of M.O.M.M.Y. generally performs this tasks as this is the agent that generally transports Princess Gwen to school. However, every now and then, the agent of D.A.D.D.Y performs the tasks.

This morning AoM transported the Princess to school (accompanied by the Queen) anbd after coming back into the house annouced that she had forgotten to move the trashcan. AoM then began emptying the house trash into the trashcan.

Captain Hysteria was up by this time and having had his morning fill of sugary goodness decided that the AoM needed help. So with nothing but the agent of D.I.A.P.E.R. protecting him from the elements, he dashes outside unto the back porch. AoM comes in for another round of trash with CH still outside. When she returns, CH is nowhere to be seen.

CH had climbed down the backporch stairs and was hidden by the trashcan. He is now safe inside where he can now climb all over everywhere.

Box Riding

2006-02-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

Captain Hysteria has a birthday coming up. On this birthday he will be officially entering the realm of the ... TERRIBLE TWOs. I can't imagine what is left for him to accomplish, but I'm sure he can and will manage to top himself.

The theme for birthdays this time around is bicycles. The princess received her bike and helmet and knee pads and elbow pads at the end of December (12/30). The queen received the princess's old bike and a new helmet and a new set of pads at the beginning of this month (2/1). In a few weeks (3/2) , is supposed to receive his trike. For the sake of sanity, CH has received his trike today. This means that he will now be able to ride with the other two rather than running amok. Of course, he will still run amok, but he will now have the trike to drag around so he'll be able to get into things that are much higher.

So the trike is still sitting in the box and will so until tomorrow because this gives CH an entire to sit and ride on the trike box without worrying about it collapsing. The key is to make sure the box has tape reinforcement. This insures at least one additional day of enjoyment because all they really want is the box.

Literal

2006-02-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the queen and captain managed to fill up his crib with stuffed animals. So Captain Hysteria spent the night in the Land of Kenzie. Today the queen has begun the task of returning the animals to there rightful place. This, of course, means lots of reminders to get back on tasks. On such conversation went as follows:

AoD: QM, have you finished?
QM: Yes
AoD: So there are no more toys in the crib?
QM: Nope
Not believing QM the AoD goes to check and true to her word there were no more stuffed animals in the crib.

They were all on the floor!

AoD: Pick up all those toys off the floor and put them in your room.

Later, QM calls out to AoD asking for help. QM needs help because now ALL the toys are in her arms and she can't get up off the floor.

AoD: Pick up some of the toys and take them to your room and then get some moe toys until you are done.

Later, QM announces that she is done. Upon closer inspection all the toys are now on the floor in the Land of Kenzie.

AoD: Please, pick up the toys off the floor and place them in the toy box.

Time needed to move the toys: 10 minutes
Total time required to get the toys in the correct place: 2 hours

The Ferris Wheel

2006-02-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

The picture above is of the Little People Ferris Wheel Playset. This time last year, Queen McKenzie received this and several other Little People toys from GrandDaddy. Over time, the queen, the princess, and Captain Hysteria have had their turn with the LPFWP. With Captain Hysteria the play session begins like this ...

CH runs into the room and presents the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. with the LPFWP and Sonya Lee. Sonya Lee is one of many Little People. There is also Maggie and Eddie and many others that I forget the names of right now, however CH always presents Sonya Lee to the agents...always. CH requests that Sonya Lee be placed on the Ferris Wheel. So the agent goes about placing SL onto the LPFWP. and CH says no. SL is removed and CH says no. Onto the LPFWP she goes again and once again there is a no from CH. Back and forth they go until the agent realizes that CH wants SL in the GREEN seat. And off goes CH with LPFWP in hand.

I forgot to mention that the LPFWP makes noise. It plays some music and giggles as CH cranks the handle to spin the wheel. However, the clever agents flipped the switch on the bottom to OFF, so that it no longer makes any noise. Realizing that this noise producer is no longer producing noise CH runs back to confront the agent. CH sits on the floor in front of the agent and deftly flips LPFWP and flips the switch. Smiling, he glances up to the agent and is off to play again.

The moral of our story? CH is smarter than the agents that guard him .. or the agents should completely remove the batteries from LPFWP.

Happy Birthday to Queen Mckenzie

2006-02-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

Funfetti cake for everyone ... the Queen was born today!

Why Is It that ...

2006-01-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

... the ability to remove the agent of D.I.A.P.E.R. isn't accompanied by the ability to visit the land of Bath?

... the ability to climb up isn't accompanied by the ability to climb down?

... the ability to open the fridge door isn't accompanied by the knowledge that a galloon of milk is too heavy to remove from said fridge?

UPDATE

... Captain Hysteria asks for a beverage only to refuse to drink it, throw it at you, then pick it up and drink it like CH accepted from the beginning?

Sweet Revenge

2006-01-27T11:59:00.000-08:00

Captain Hysteria cup in hand pushed the rolling chair over to the refridgerator. CH opens to the freezer door and let's out the cry for ice cream. The agent of D.A.D.D.Y. ignores the cries of CH and tells CH to get off the chair. CH climbs off the chair and pushes it back in place. CH walks over to the the agent and throws the cup at the agent. CH screams, "I want ice cream,"and runs.

Amazed by the event that just transpired, the agent just sat there staring at the cup that flew by him.

CH runs back into the room. "I want cup"

The cup is now out of CH's reach.

Revenge is sweet.

Conversations

2006-01-24T06:14:00.000-08:00

Queen McKenzie: D.A.D.D.Y., can I have something to eat?
Agent of D.A.D.D.Y.: Queen McKenzie, you just had cereal.
QM: But I need something to eat.
AoD: Cereal is soemthing to eat.
QM: No , it's not

The agent shakes his head because he knows that arguing with Queen McKenzie is pointless. But QM get nothing more to eat so she changes the subject...

Queen McKenzie: D.A.D.D.Y., can I have something to drink?

... and it begins anew.

Translations

2006-01-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

HysteriaSpeak: I want cheese
Translation: I want to play with one of the cameras that Queen McKenzie and Princess Gwen got from Santa.

D.A.D.D.Y.?

2006-01-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

The agent of D.A.D.D.Y. had errands to run this morning, so he was not at his normal spot in front of the computer. Queen McKenzie awoke and ran straight to the computer to climb into the agents lap as this is what QM does every morning. Alas, the agent was not there. Into the agent's headquarter QM looked and he was not there. Into the bathroom? Nope. All the around the house QM ran in search of the agent as nothing else would serve QM's needs. When ...

... in through the back door walks the agent who is then greated by the smiling queen.

Hysteria Night

2006-01-17T23:20:00.000-08:00

It's been a long night for Captain Hysteria as he decided that he just wasn't going to go to bed. Everyone else was asleep so the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. was left with the task of putting CH down. Not being one to go quietly, CH decided to go into Kidroom and in the darkness enter the land of Dolynn. Not being able to find his way out of the land of Dolynn, CH let out the HysteriaWail so the agent would come running lest the Queen and Princess be awakened.

Now exiled from the land of Dolynn, CH decides to create a pool for a toys in a bowl in KitchenSink. Hearing the splashes the sluggish agent comes in to foil the nefarious plans of Ch once again.

After sitting quietly with the agent (aka screaming and kicking while the agent tries to put him to sleep), CH cries for the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. This agent is (of course) fast asleep so CH climbs into bed with her. While sitting on the bed, the Evil Dr. Alarm Clock smiles at CH. Aware of EDAC nefarious plan to wake everyone from sleep in the morning, CH grapples with EDAC. The struggle catches the attention of the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. and he rescues EDAC from the hand so f CH.

Not having thwarted the plans of EDAC, CH decides to rescue Picture from the Vile Crate of Doom. The Crate of Doom sits beside the agent of M.O.M.M.Y.'s computer and is filled with various and asundry items such as inhalers and a Polaroid camera and stickers and various other items that CH must continuos save. CH fights a never ending battle against the CoD and tonight CH won as CoD came crashing to the floor.

Having once again been reprimanded by the agent CH once again slithers from the agent's grip (i.e. kicked and screamed loud enough to wake the dead) and once again found himself in KitchenSink standing a top RollingChairJr. The agent scooped him up.

CH entered Kidroom. The agent followed. CH went back to the crate. The agent followed. Knock over M.O.M.M.Y's chair ... the agent is there ... beat up the agents of D.I.A.P.E.R. ... the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. is there. TV... agent. CoD...agent. KitchenSink...agent.

Soon CH has nothing new to do and nowhere left that the agent can not follow him to. Tired the agent admits defeat and resigns himself to the endless night of torture.

And then the agent realizes CH is nowhere to be found so the search begins ...
Kidroom? nope. KitchenSink? nope. CoD? Nope. Chair? nope. Land of Bath? Nope.
Where could CH be? A sense of dread fills the agent as CH has now probably played Dump the Wet Coffee Grounds on the Floor or Change the Bear of Care to the Poo Bear of Care or any such apparently hilarious Hysteria game.

Resigned to spending the morning cleaning up the wreckage the agent heads back to headquuarters to rest...
Lo and behold there is CH fast asleep.
Apparently, CH had tried to invade the M.O.M.M.Y and D.A.D.D.Y. Headquarters one more time, bnut was unable to completely storm the Bed before the sweet caress of sleep overtook him. There he was on the edge of Bed with his little heade and arms and barely over the top and his legs dangling fast asleep.

The agent of D.A.D.D.Y place CH in Bed with the agent of M.OM.M.Y. and sat down to relax because he knows that this only serves to recharge the HysteriaCells and CH will be back all too soon.

What They Hear?

2006-01-16T18:56:00.000-08:00

English: Please, get down off the shelf.
What They Hear: Hang on the shelf until I walk across the room and then hang on for as long as you can with your little arms while I tug and pull your little body away.

Yet More Translations

2006-01-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

HysteriaSpeak Sentence: Daddy, tebbe ... tebbe
Translation: I found the remote control, pressed some random buttons, turned off the TV and knocked out all the batteries. Here's the remote for you to switch the TV on. Good luck finding all the batteries.

The Blame Game

2006-01-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

The one thing that I have learned with my careful study of Captain Hysteria and crew is that nothing is ever their fault.

Scenario 1: Princess Gwen has been exiled to the Land of Dolynn. The conversation goes like this:
PG: But it's not my fault?
AoD: So who's fault is it that your shoes are on the floor and not in the closet?
PG: Yours.
AoD: How is it my fault?
PG: You didn't tell me to put them in the closet.
AoD: Where do your shoes belong?
PG: In the Closet but it's your job to tell me to put them in there.
AoD: How many times do you have to be told?
PG: One.
AoD: How many times were you told today?
PG: I didn't count.
AoD: Was it more than one time?
PG: Yeah ... I think so.

Scenario 2: Remember Bear of Care?
Captain Hysteria brings the now Non-Singing Singing Bear of Care to the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. and places it on the agents lap.

CH: Broken
AoD: Yep, you microwaved it. It's broken.
AoD hands it back. CH pushes the button to make it sing. It doesn't sing. CH flips it upside down, unstraps the Velcro and reveals the underside of the NSSBoC. CH flips the ON/OFF switch, presses the button on the hand. Still no singing. CH hands it back to AoD.
AoD: It's broken.
CH cocks his head to the side, "Boken?"
AoD: Broken.
CH leaves NSSBoC with AoD.

Scenario 3:
Queen McKenzie is coloring with her crayons and CH comes up beside her. QM gives CH a crayon and CH breaks it in half.
QM: CH broke my crayon.
AoD: How did CH get your crayon?
QM: I gave it to him.
AoD: Didn't he break the last one you gave to him?
QM: CH broke my crayon.
AoD: Because you gave it to him.
QM: He broke it.

Scenario 4:
CH climbs unto the table and into the AoM's Bag of Goodies while AoD is in the land of Bath. CH retrieves some G.U.M. and dumps the contents of the BoG onto the floor. AoM is standing in the next room and CH is within sight. AoD comes out of the land of Bath.
AoM: Why didn't you stop CH?
AoD (thought): You can't see through the air to stop CH and you expect me to see through a door?
AoD: I was in the land of Bath.
AoM: Why didn't you stop CH?

Phrase of the Day

2006-01-12T18:43:00.000-08:00

KenzieSpeak: Pancake Thing
Translation: Syrup

Hysteria Games: I Got Your Nose

2006-01-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

Captain Hysteria loves to play the game, I Got Your Nose. CH hasn't quite grasped the subtleties of the game. CH will pinch you nose, exclaim "I got your nose!" and then proceed to continue pinching your nose while laughing.

Variations of IGYH include:
I Got Your Eyeglasses where he removes your eye glasses from your face.
I Got My Fingers in Your Nose where he sticks multiple fingers in your nostrils
I Got My Fingers in Your Mouth where he shoves his little hand in your mouth.

Unlucky ones have made trips to the local eyeglass repairwoman. So many that she knows CH by sight. Queen Kenzie was also fond of IGYE.

The lucky ones are those that aren't forced to play IGMFIYM after having played IGMYFIYN.

"No No, Daddy"

2006-01-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

In runs Captain Hysteria with a fanny pack and an airplane. "Hel me, Daddy!" he cries and hands them both to the agent of D.A.D.D.Y The agent places the plane in the pack and hand it back to CH. "No no, Daddy!"screams CH and hands them back.

The agent then unzips the pack and hands CH the airpland and the pack (unzipped). CH places the plane in the pack and hand it back to the agent with a "Hel me, Daddy."

The agent zips up the pack and hand it back to CH. CH place the pack over his head and slides out the chair. Turns arounds and says "Hel me, Daddy."

Clueless, the agent looks at CH who says "Hel me, Daddy" once again. The agent takes the pack from over CH head and hands it to CH. "No no, Daddy!"

The agent takes the pack back and puts it over CH head again. "No no, Daddy!"

CH realizing the the agent has no clue turns his left shoulder to the agent. The agent places the pack on CH's sholuder and off he goes with a "Tank you, Daddy."

One minute later, CH is back with the back and hands it to the agent. "No no, Daddy."

The agents unsnaps the clasp and hands it back to CH. CH snaps the clasps and hands it back to the agent. "No no, Daddy." The agent unclasps it and CH snaps it again. "No no, Daddy." The agent clasps it and CH snaps it back together and is off. "Tank you, Daddy"

Back once again CH, sits down and he's off again.

And he's back.

And he's off again.

Back.

Off.

Back.

Off.

Back and there is no pack.

The End.

More HysteriaSpeak

2006-01-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

HysteriaSpeak: Bok lee
Translation: Broccoli

Auto Wash ... au-to WASH

2006-01-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

PB&J sandwiches are a common item. Most lunches are made up these. In fact. PB&J is so common when bread is taken out of the breadbag Captain Hysteria runs to the refrigerator to get the jelly.

Today Was a Good Day

2006-01-06T18:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing to see here.

The Continuing Cycle

2006-01-05T09:41:00.000-08:00

Captain Hysteria is still in the habit of removing the work of agent D.I.A.P.E.R. and streaking through the house. However, ever since being banned for the land of Bath, after streaking CH will state "Go Potty. Go Potty." When the door is opened into the land of Bath, in he flies to sit on Potty, Jr with his little legs swinging in the air. He then gets up, climbs to the sink, washes his hands, climbs down, dries his hands and then lays down beside the agent of D.I.A.P.E.R.

After the agent is finished and CH is no longer in his Birthday Suit, he goes potty and thus the cycle continues.

Translations

2006-01-04T14:42:00.000-08:00

Hysteria : Monkey
Usage in a sentence : Da-ee Monkey
Translation : Daddy, I want to watch the Curious George DVD

Hysteria : Cupmilk
Usage in a sentence : Cupmilk
Translation : Daddy, I want some tea.

BizarroSpeak Sentence : I accidentally kicked, X
Translation : X was bothering me so I kicked X because I like living in Time Out.

Must Obey Barney

2006-01-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

Captain Hysteria's favorite show is Barney. When the purple dinosaur is on television, CH is mesmerized. When you want CH to calm down, you sing "I love you/You love me."

The agent of M.O.M.M.Y. is getting ready for duty and it's time for Hysteria hibernation. This means that CH is overall just grumpy and whiny. CH was playing in the land of Bath with the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. and the Little People Ferris Wheel.

Having given up playing with the LPFW, CH began to become a menace in the land of Bath. Out of no where, the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. appears singing the Barney clean-up song. Trying to fight off the effect of the song. CH grabs the LPFW and brandishes as a weapon. Running towards the agent of D.A.D.D.Y., CH yells "Stop! Stop!" The agent stops singing as he chuckles and CH drops LPFW and returns to the land of Bath.

The agent begins to sing again and CH runs to grab LPFW while screaming "Stop! Stop!"once again. As he gets to the LPFW and CH realizes that the agent is still singing and grabs the LPFW and .....

CH returns it to Kidroom.

Barney is a very power weapon. Wield it with restraint.

Darkness

2006-01-03T17:50:00.000-08:00

In the land of Kitchen there exists the Chair of Time Out. The CoTO is generally reserved for the queen, but every now and then Captain Hysteria likes to visit the chair as the chair's seat is about 3.5 feet in the air. Oh yeah, the CoTO is located right beside Light Switch which thereby gives CH control of darkness.

So after Queen McKenzie serves her sentence on CoTO, CH stands near the chair and whines "Huh, huh." That roughly translates to "Up, up." That means "Put me on the CoTO." The agent of D.A.D.D.Y. looks at the agent of M.O.M.M.Y. and says, "He just wants to turn off the light." The M.O.M.M.Y. agent says, "No , he just wants to sit in the chair."

The agent of M.O.M.M.Y. lifts CH into the air and places him on the CoTO. CH looks at the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. and smiles.

CLICK

Darkness falls and the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. smiles in the darkness.

Sarah, Susie and Marley

2006-01-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

In my time here with Captain Hysteria, Queen McKenzie and Princess Gwen, I have failed to tell you about Sarah, Susie and Marley. I'll keep it nice and short.

Sarah is Princess Gwen's horse. She has skates and spends a lot of time with the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y.

Susie is Queen McKenzie's bear. We really had no choice with Susie and Sarah. They where part of a Mother's Day gift and have been with us ever since. Susie came fully dresssed, but spends most of her time wanderign around naked.

Marley is Captain Hysteria's lion. The agents felt that since both PG and QM had animals of their own, CH needed one as well. A lion was chosen and thus namely because of CH's namesake.

And like that the family of 5 became the family of 7 and later 8 as the agents would leave CH, QM, and PG behind before they lost track of of Susie, Sarah and Marley. (mainly because S,S, and M don't whine and cry when they are separated from PG, QM and CH.)

Captain Hysteria New Year

2006-01-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

For all those that want to know how the new year is with Captain Hysteria this is how it has gone so far ...
1 Jan 06
Nothing special occurred. CH is obviously planning something HUGE.

2 Jan 06
CH has taking to painting recently and he uses the most natural of all paints. He produces his own paint so you have to watch him fairly carefully. The agent of D.I.A.P.E.R. provides the palette for said paint and it creates a huge mess. Because of this the agents of M.O.M.M.Y. and D.A.D.D.Y. have been keeping and extra special eye on CH.

CH had just woken up from his daily nap. The nap serves to recharge his Hysteria powers without the nap he is sluggish and grumpy. After said nap he was off to find the Queen and Princess for they always have some new adventure to get into.

Apparently, CH was unhappy with them as the smell of Hysteria paint began to permeate the air. The agent of D.A.D.D.Y. goes to check the location of the smell along with the agents of W.I.P.E.S. and D.I.A.P.E.R. Expecting the usual Hysteria clean-up they were unprepared for what they found.

As they cornered the bed and headed to the CH's Crib, CH pops his head out and waves. CH's hand are covered with Hysteria paint. Upon closer inspection the agents learn that CH has spilled his paint on the bed and painted the crib. In quickly grabbing CH, the agent of D.A.D.D.Y. discovers that there is more paint on the ground. That paint is now the agent's foot.

Quick as a flash the agent scoops up CH and heads to the land of Bath. CH is cleaned, the agent's pants are cleaned and the bedding, floor and crib are clean.

If you remember, CH has been banned from the land of Bath due to the Toilet of Terror. So as soon as he is cleaned up and ready to go, the first thing he does is grab Sarah's skate and attempt to recreate the ToT. The agent reacts quickly and is able to grab the Sarah's skate from its new swimming pool.

After all this, every thing now cleaned-up and back and order. What does CH have to say for himself?

"Ad he bul my fe ger"

I don't know what it means. The closest translation I can find is "Daddy, pull my finger."

It's only second day of the new year ... this doesn't bode too well for the rest of the year.

Happy New Year!!

2006-01-01T10:14:00.000-08:00

There is no story. This is just another warning for everyone thinking about having children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!